When ransacking a town, always remember: Pillage first and *then*
burn, not the other way around. (David Henry)
You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy,
the best golfer is a black guy, the Swiss hold the America's Cup,
France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, and Germany doesn't want to
go to war.
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS -- Instructions: open packet,
And on the 8th day God said, OK Murphy, you take over.
This space unintentionally left blank.
Jesus Saves ... Passes to Moses. Shoots... He SCORES!
Wanted: Schrodinger's Cat, Dead and Alive
I am an agnostic pagan. I doubt the existence of many gods.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
There are two kinds of people: those who say to God: Thy will be done,
and those to whom God says: All right, then, have it your way. - C.S.
"Dickens, as you know, never got round to starting his home page."
On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: let's see
the evolutionists try and figure this one out.
"If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would
be dead." --Johnny Carson
"I'll take 'Internet Porn' for 100, Alex." (Andy Pierson)
They say if you build a better mouse trap, the world will beat down your
door. But usually, it's just one neighbor, and he'll probably quit once
you stop throwing dead mice in his yard. --Dave James
When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and suddenly
realized that I was talking to myself.
"I don't think so," said Rene Descartes. Just then, he vanished.
If Jesus came back today and saw what was being done in his name, he'd
never stop throwing up.
If at first you don't succeed, try jumping from the next floor up.
You've given your life to Jesus, I've rented mine to Cthulhu.
"Nobody will ever need more than 640kb of RAM" - Bill Gates, 1983
"Windows 98 requires 16MB RAM" Bill Gates, 1999
"Nobody will ever need Windows 98." - Logical Conclusion
At times I am amazed at how proportionally strong ants are, but then I
remember I can still step on them. --Keith Parrot
"I would prefer my desktop to look less like a cartoon drawing."
--Mac OS X Beta user
They say that breaking up is hard to do -- but it's much easier with a
restraining order and a rotweiler. --Dakota Shepard
Pilot: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going
to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish,
but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold
outside and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
I hate it when I see one of those road signs that says "Draw Bridge
Ahead" and I don't have a pencil. --Lou Chiafullo
"My daughter is single and her father is rich."- Terry Pratchett with
his daughter, Rhianna, at the Discworld 2000 Event
"First we thought the PC was a calculator. Then we found out how to
turn numbers into letters with ASCII -- and we thought it was a
typewriter. Then we discovered graphics, and we thought it was a
television. With the World Wide Web, we've realized it's a brochure."
You know you're a mac addict when your car breaks down and your first
impule is to turn the ignition while holding down the shift key. Your
second impulse is to look for copies of ObjectSupportLib under the
I think the best way to insult an illiterate bully is to write him a
nasty letter. --Paul Paternoster
Every time I'm naked, my cat stares at me. I don't know if
reincarnation is real, but if it is I sure hope my cat was one of those
guys who air-brushes the stretch marks off of supermodels in magazines.
Cats regard people as warm-blooded furniture. --Jacquelyn Mitchard
Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
My girlfriend says that I'm going to hell because I don't go to church,
but that's okay, because from what I've been able to figure out, they
don't have church there either. --Kirk W. Reuter
It's funny how your thoughts change as you get older. As a kid, when I
would walk by the bridge overpass, I used to daydream about finding a
dead body under it. Now I fantasize about putting one there. (Hugh
I had always wanted to have my colon cleaned, but after the bad
experience with the rake, I'll try to find a professional next time.
Californians are a strange people. They'll put every chemical known to
God and man up their nostrils and then laugh at you for putting sugar
in your coffee.
Man to co-worker: "I learn more from originals left in the copier than
I do from the employee newsletter." --Litzler
My childhood isn't filled with fond memories because Leon, my imaginary
friend, was an abusive schizophrenic. (Mike Wilt)
If I die a horrible gory death, I hope I get an open casket funeral
just so I can gross everybody out one last time. --Jeff Chastain
Consider the following axioms carefully:
"Everything's better when it sits on a Ritz."
"Everything's better with Blue Bonnet on it."
What happens if one spreads Blue Bonnet margarine on a Ritz cracker?
The thought is frightening. Is this how God came into being? Try not to
consider the fact that "Things go better with Coke".
They say that time changes everything, but it's been a while now and my
kid's diapers aren't getting any cleaner. --Jeff Chastain
I went to my first computer conference at the New York Hilton about 20
years ago. When somebody there predicted the market for microprocessors
would eventually be in the millions, someone else said, "Where are they
all going to go? It's not like you need a computer in every doorknob!"
Years later, I went back to the same hotel. I noticed the room keys had
been replaced by electronic cards you slide into slots in the doors.
There was a computer in every doorknob.
-- Danny Hillis
I bet with the proper amount of manpower, pliers, ropes, belts and duct
tape, you actually *could* lead a horse to water AND make him drink.
I ran out of Tupperware one day, so I took my cottage cheese to work
tied up in a condom. I'm not allowed to use the employee refrigerator
anymore. (Rolf Lundgren)
Some of my colleagues think that the chemicals we're experimenting with
could potentially cause brain damage, however I think that fish crunchy
bits of salami my new red hippie noodle. Naked pool frogs? --Nick
"Those who say it can't be done...are usually interrupted by those
doing it." - Unknown
We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front
lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we
can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You
see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."
A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific
paper. Also: a substance that, when taken by a hippie, produces a
23-minute drum solo.
If high heels were so wonderful, men would be wearing them. --Sue
"I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over,
carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia,
I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun."
-- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H
It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own
ignorance. --Thomas Sowell
Give a man food, and he can eat for a day. Give a man a job, and he
can only eat for 30 minutes on break. (Lev L. Spiro)
"I want him to look like me but he looks just like his dad -- it's
scary. He does this funny thing with his lip." --Brazilian model
Luciana Morad, whose infant son, Lucas, was fathered by Mick Jagger.
"No Ma'am. We at the FBI have no sense of humor that we are aware of."
-- Kay, Men in Black
If life gives you lemons, I don't recommend making lemonade, because
unless life gives you sugar too, that stuff will be undrinkable.
Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the room, be sure
that you're the one holding it.
-- Mr. Greenfatigues
Used-car dealer to prospective customer: "Now, this little beauty has
very low mileage. The previous owner only drove it back and forth to
the repair shop!" --Fred Thomas
If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a
lever to get a "fix" of something, to its own detriment, then I would
conclude that netnews (and by extension, the entire Net, including the
browser you're reading this on) is far more addictive than cocaine.
-- Rob Stampfli
80's rock demands respect: "Hey, that's *Mister* Mr. Mister to you!"
The reason that every major university maintains a department of
mathematics is that it's cheaper than institutionalizing all those
Although the moon is only one-sixth the size of the Earth, it's much
further away. --Pat Bailey
Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one
of them is paranoid and the other one is out to get him.
Best thing about going the wrong way on a one-way street? Hey, no stop
signs! --Jerry A. Kassebaum
Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than
expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to
complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their
planning to reduce the time it takes.
They say it's never too late to learn to play the piano, but at 2 am, I
really wish my roommate would quit and go to bed. --Nathan Hansar
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil
and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
-- Emo Philips
The only thing standing between me and total happiness is reality.
The superior man understands what is right;
the inferior man understands what will sell.
After months of an unsuccessful job search, my career counselor
suggested removing "80's rock taught me how to live, it taught me how
to love" from my educational achievements section. --Bob Corn
If I were the Grim Reaper, my gimmick would be to make my rounds
dressed as Barney. That way, perhaps folks would show that purple sack
of manure the disdain he really deserves. (David Gunter)
Unless your dog is prone to catching fire, I just don't see a need to
teach it to roll over. --Tom Callen
Ethics, my ass. There's good money to be made in selling crack to
little kids these days. (Chris Lipe)
Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind.
-- Mark Harrold
Even if I survived a nuclear holocaust, and was the last person alive,
I'd still feel funny taking a dump with the door open. (Larry C.
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year. --Victor
They say that he who represents himself in a court of law has a fool
for a client. That works out pretty well, since that was going to be
my defense anyway. (Mystic Seven)
If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
In Canada, really tough kids want to grow up to be ganstre rappres.
Sometimes being an adult is exactly what you imagined it would be when
you were five: staying up late and eating Lucky Charms for dinner.
I recently tried my new passive method of cleaning my mouth: rather
than brushing and killing innocent germs, I kindly asked them to leave.
It didn't work, though, so I stuck my tongue in the toaster and fried
the little bastards. (Stevie)
The only person who listens to both sides of an argument is the fellow
in the next apartment. --Ruth Brown
I'm starting to suspect that Penthouse magazine has given me a
less-than-accurate depiction of lesbians. (Dave Lartigue)
Anyone with a lick of sense knows you can't make good barbecue and
comply with the health code. --Anonymous barbecue-pit owner
If I ever win the lottery, I'm going to quit my job and spend all day
checking out internet porn. Actually, I already spend all day checking
out internet porn, but having to pretend like I'm working while I'm
doing it is a real pain. (Bill Ervin)
It's important to pay close attention in school -- for years I thought
that bears masturbated all winter. --Damon R. Milhem
Mobile phones are the only subject on which men boast about who's got
the smallest. (Neil Kinnock)
When I was young I used to pray for a bike. Then I realized that God
doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.
When I was a teenager, Mom said I'd go blind if I didn't quit doing
*that*. Maybe she was right -- since the invention of internet porn,
computer monitors keep getting bigger and bigger. (Bill Ervin)
Bill Gates may be rich and famous now, but I still didn't pick him to
be on our dodge-ball team in the second grade. --Alf Whit
And they called it puppy love ... although the puppy wasn't exactly
what you'd call a willing participant. (Ken Snyder)
Learn from Your Parents' Mistakes ... Use Birth Control
If you believe everything you read, don't Read! (Japanese proverb)
5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement
"I would feel infinitely more comfortable in your presence if you would
agree to treat gravity as a law, rather than one of a number of
suggested options." -Barnabas, to Delerium
A little knowledge is a dangerous thing, but a little carnal knowledge
rules. --Wade Kwon
Sex is a lot like a feral, rabid monkey: You shouldn't have either one
of them in a kindergarten classroom. (Dave Lartigue)
I don't care how much you and your cat love each other, if you were one
inch smaller than the sweet little kitty, he'd eat you in a heartbeat.
If I had a dog, I'd train him to kill on command. And the command I'd
use would be, "Is he friendly?" (R.M. Weiner)
I can't wait for the new millennium. I can already hear myself saying,
"Dad, that is just *so* 20th Century!" --Deep Holon
Sometimes I look outside my window and think, "Those people look like
ants from here." But then I realize I live on the first floor, and I
really need to call the exterminator. (Shawn Walker)
The worst thing about getting your penis caught in the bicycle chain
isn't the overwhelming pain, but that long, sickening moment, when
you're stuck there in that awkward position, and you suddenly realize
that you're going to have to describe the entire event on an insurance
claim form. Again. --Jackal
If the Internet is a superhighway, then AOL must be a fleet of farm
equipment that straddles five lanes and pays no heed to "Keep Right
Except to Pass" signs. (Marko Peric)
Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt
It's ironic that Warren Beatty wants to be president. For the past
seven years, we've had a president that wants to be Warren Beatty.
I sit looking at this damn computer screen all day long, day in and day
out, week after week, and think, "Man, if I could just find the 'on'
switch..." --Zachary Good
A New Jersey reader was surprised to read the "patient counseling"
instructions a local pharmacist typed onto a recent prescription for
her cat. "Do not mix with alcohol," it warned. "Use caution when
driving or operating machinery." Our reader noted, "We had no idea what
the cat was up to when he felt good!"
A lot of people face adversity by asking, "How would Jesus have dealt
with this?" But that doesn't help me much, because I doubt Jesus ever
had bad credit. --Ron Thompson
Why is it that there's never a cop around when you need one -- but as
soon as you need to get somewhere really fast, like to dump parts of a
dead body in a river at 3 AM, they are EVERYWHERE!?! (Chris Pultz)
The last time I went to the dentist, she told me I had been a very
naughty boy and proceeded to spank me. Wait a minute... maybe that
wasn't the dentist. --David Vincent
A lot of Diet Mountain Dew was probably harmed during the production of
People used to live lives of quiet desperation -- now they go on talk
shows. --Bob Thaves
Mom used to forbid me from playing Dungeons and Dragons because she
thought I would fail my saving throw against delusional inability to
separate fantasy from reality or fall victim to a +5 Spell of
Addiction. Yeah, well who's holding the -1 Broadsword of I Can Quit
Anytime I Want *now*, Mom? (Chris Walker)
It says something about our times that we rarely use the word 'sinful,'
except to describe a really good dessert. --Willard D. Ferrell
Caution. Blade is sharp. Keep out of children.
I'd probably like my doctor a bit more if he wouldn't walk around
humming "Another One Bites the Dust" all the time. --Kristy Baxter
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other
women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course men,
are just grateful. (Jay Leno)
My Designated Driver Drove Me to Drink
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID) -- Warning: may cause drowsiness
I like to buy women a lot of drinks, not so much to lessen their
inhibitions as to lower their standards. --Damon R. Milhem
ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESERT -- Do not turn upside down (Printed on the
bottom of the box.)
Wreckless Driving -- You'd think that would be a *good* thing. --Chris
ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS -- Warning: contains nuts
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR -- Not to be used for the other use
"I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've
always worked for me." -- Hunter S. Thompson
C:\COFFEE.POT missing... (A)bort (R)etry (F)all asleep?
Earth is a beta site.
I think role models should be extremely flawed. So then people who are
striving, they don't have to strive for perfection. (Christina Ricci)
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip mine the other planets later.
You go to your TV to turn your brain off. You go to the computer when
you want to turn your brain on. (Steve Jobs)
If we are what we eat, I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
Jesus saves, Allah forgives, Cthulhu thinks you'd make a nice sandwich.
They say not to put all of your eggs in one basket, but I'll be damned
if I am going to roll twelve shopping carts out of the grocery store.
The last time I ever complained to my Dad was when I said, "Dad, I
don't want to see Grandma today." Even today I remember his response:
"Shut up and keep on diggin' ..." (Dan Lantz)
Whoever said the hand is quicker than the eye obviously never tried
rolling them down a ramp. --Paul Paternoster
Blessed are the Fundamentalists, for they shall inhibit the earth.
I told my girlfriend last night how much I loved her, and she said that
I must have been out drinking again. I asked her why she would say
that, and she said, "Because I'm your father." --Dave George
trudst me: doint evEr usee yoiur conpuitwer as a jellok miold. (John
Although difficult, in the end the chase was successful -- we're having
wild goose for supper. --Ben Holland
I wonder what Jesus would do if *He* had to reload Windows 95 for the
eighth time today? (Mirabour Gilbride)
When life gives you lemons, tie your worst enemy up in the bathtub,
give him a thousand paper cuts, and squeeze lemon juice all over him.
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When life gives you a
truckload of hand grenades... now *that's* a sign. --Jacqui
Guns don't kill people, pit bulls kill people. No, wait -- I always
mess this up... --Jim Rosenberg
The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb
in San Francisco?
A: Both of them.
When I check into the Hilton, the first thing I do is urinate aound the
room to mark my territory. --Jim Rosenberg
I think one reason they call them "Relaxed Fit" jeans is that "Ass The
Size of Texas" jeans would not sell very well. --Jim Rosenberg
Light sabers don't kill people. Jedis kill people. --Jim Rosenberg
Birds of a feather flock together. Then they all get sucked into the
engine of the same jet liner. --Meghan Skinner
People always complain that the only email you ever get is junk email.
And yet, every time I log on, I find a mailbox full of message from
naked women who want to talk dirty to me. Junk email, my ass!
Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't understand the
hardware, but we can *see* the blinking lights!
"I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it."
In hindsight, it's a good thing the writers of the original "Star Wars"
were able to discern the subtle difference between "Luke, I'm your
father" and "Luke, who's your daddy?" --Ward Cobleigh
Do you think if you were *that* wasted, you'd really care about your
"lost shaker of salt?" --Craig Beachler
I don't see what the big deal is about same-sex marriages. Every
married couple I know has the same sex all the time. --Jim Rosenberg
Drugs taught an entire generation of kids the metric system. --P J
The other night during dinner my brother told a joke and I laughed so
hard that milk shot out my nose. The creepy part is that I wasn't
drinking milk. --Dave George
The game of Monopoly is a lot like life, except you don't get $200 for
going through a green light, and you don't drive a thimble. But
wouldn't it be cool if you did? --Craig Stacey
I thought learning to play the bagpipes was hard, until I realized I
was just strangling an ostrich. --Craig Stacey
Not even Darth Vader is evil enough to embrace the *PAISLEY* side of
the Force. --James Knowles
I was never very good at parallel parking, so whenever I can, I try to
park in a parallel universe instead. --Alan Smithee
Guns don't kill people. But people who kill people sure seem to like
guns an awful lot. --Jim Rosenberg
"You've all heard the saying: If all you have is a hammer, everything
starts to look like a nail. That's actually a Modernistic saying. The
postmodern version is: If all you have is duct tape, everything starts
to look like a duct. Right. When's the last time you used duct tape
on a duct?" - Larry Wall, from his speech "Perl, the First Postmodern
My doctor tells me I suffer from extreme hypochondria. He prescribed a
strong placebo, but I don't think it's working. --Dan Silva
Just say no! to sex with pro-lifers.
If I wanted my raisins plump and juicy, I'd eat grapes. --Ben Fogt
May is the time when millions of kids graduate from college and begin a
new phase of their training: remedial reality. --Robert Orben
Rehab Is for Quitters
There was a time in my life when I would have found that screen saver
that draws the pipes infinitely fascinating and would have been able to
stare at it for hours, but that was last Saturday. --Ron Thompson
"I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?"
Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My .Sig Bears No Message at This Time
I wept because I had no shoes, till I met a man who had no head. Guess
who's got shoes NOW? --Guy Hoyle
It's not a question of whose habitat it is, it's a question of how fast
you hit it. -Arthur Dent
Draft beer, not people.
"You can't make a program without broken egos."
The idea that Bill Gates has appeared like a knight in shining armour
to lead all customers out of a mire of technological chaos neatly
ignores the fact that it was he who, by peddling second-rate
technology, led them into it in the first place. - Douglas Adams
"Six munfs ago I cud not spel "M-C-S-E" an' now I are one!"
I had a nightmare -- I dreamt I was a jazz accordion player and no one
killed me before the second set. --Paul Paternoster
When you watch "America's Most Wanted" or "Unsolved Mysteries," do you
ever suspect that the actors playing the criminals could in fact be the
culprits? --Barry Yau
If Adam had had a real hairy back, we probably wouldn't be here today.
Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
Am I alone in the Universe? Judging by the screaming coming from next
door, I'd have to say no. --Chris Gahan
I think if I ever did actually laugh my ass off, I would get serious
real fast. --Ed Smith
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
You always hear about people "going ballistic." Wouldn't it be a much
nicer world if they went orgasmic instead? --Dave Henry
I was walking down the street one day when a beautiful bird caught my
eye. And I had to climb all the way to the top of a tree to get it
back. --Abhishek Gami
Angie and I are getting married. Sure, she says I'm a creep, but I
have blackmail photographs that say she's wrong. --Adam Baker
Every time I try to give blood, they won't accept it. Maybe it's time
I try giving my own blood. --Paul Paternoster
Out of all the colors, I like blue the most. Now that we know each
other better, could I borrow $10? --John Roney
Keep this in mind when training animals -- if you beat a cat with a
loaf of bread, there is *no* way you'll ever train him to make you a
sandwich! --Thomas M. Shaltry
I think the world could get rid of a lot of crap in the water if they'd
just build dams out of Brita filters. --Derek Littlefield
Why the hell doesn't anyone make brown underwear? --Dan McKain
They say that something as small as a butterfly beating its wings in
China can cause a hurricane in America, so maybe we should go to China
and kill all the butterflies, just to be safe. --Ken Advent
The 32-cent stamp will go up one penny later this year. "The Postal
Service says the hike has nothing to do with delivery expenses. It's
the high price of ammunition." --Argus Hamilton
I would never name my kid "Chastity," because that's just asking for
it. --Meghan Skinner
Chivalry is not dead. It just smells funny. --Paul Riter
Striped clothes are a waste of money, because you can just buy solid
pattern clothes, buy a pack of Mentos and then roll around on a park
bench of the appropriate color. --David Greenfield
Spiders are lucky, because they can squirt an entire dwelling out their
behinds. If I could do that, I'd squirt out a nice 4-bedroom, 2.5 bath
Cape Cod -- but it would probably just be a piece of crap. --Dan Lyons
If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
I think if I ran over my boss in the parking lot, I'd stop. To make
sure it wasn't a dog or something, 'cause, hey... ya wouldn't want to
run over a dog. --Richard Pitruzzello
If I had a dollar for everytime I whined about something, I'd just sit
around and complain all day. Because even though no one likes a
whiner, everyone likes rich people. --Katherine Haenschen
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste
good with ketchup.
I hate when my wife gets mad at me for something she dreamt about. I
mean, c'mon, I can only control so much in there. --Scott Johnson
I think a cool ability would be being able to make your head explode at
will. Athough I guess you could only do it once. --Adam Rakich
Where is it written that the fun and games have to stop just because
someone loses an eye? --Pete Cilento
I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was
relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid. --Dave Henry
I'm glad I didn't go to Gladiator School, because half of all graduates
get killed on their very first job. --Matt Carson
If I were going to burglarize a place that had guard dogs, I'd do it
during a thunderstorm and bring a vacuum cleaner. --Gary Hintz
I'd like to do something to just melt my wife's heart for Valentine's
day, but its not an easy thing to do. I mean, do you know how hot you
have to get a human heart before it will melt? --Patrick Kim
After taking the test and failing it three times, I thought to myself,
"Maybe I'm not meant to be an I.Q." --Anna Chin-Williams
Lots of people come to me and tell me that they are really unhappy. I
always wonder why they tell this to the person with no legs. --AJ
If at first you don't succeed, try some LSD.
Uniquely maladjusted, but fun.
If I ever get married, I think it would be funny to hire a stuntwoman
to run through the church in a burning wedding dress. Then I would put
her out with a bottle of seltzer and everyone would have a good laugh.
I'm having kind of a hard time finding a girlfriend, though. --Bob Van
I like to clean my mouse about once a month. Of course, it's always
hard to brush his itty-bitty teeth. --Zachary Good
The first thing you should do when you get up is read the obituaries.
You never know when you'll see a name that will just make your day.
I don't know what the big deal is with the Oscars. Who'd want an award
named after someone who lives in a trash can? --Matthew Dalton
I had a fortune cookie the other day and it said, "Outlook not so
good." I said, "Sure, but Microsoft ships it anyway." --Tom Singer
Sure the pen is mightier than the sword, but only because you can get
it through metal detectors. --Mike Hayward
A penny saved may be a penny earned, but it's a waste of a deposit slip
and it really pisses off the bank tellers. --Dan Gadino
When a guy buys a picture frame for his wife's photo, if his wife is
actually the model on the "phony photo" that comes with it, does he
take it out or leave it in? --Kathi Comstock
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
If a tree falls in a forest and lands on a politician, even if you
can't hear the tree or the screams, I'll bet you'd at least hear the
applause. --Paul Tindale
I don't think that movies are too violent. But I do think that popcorn
is too expensive, and this can often lead to violence. --Lev L. Spiro
If you're driving down the street in your canoe and you have four flat
tires, how many pancakes does it take to shingle a dog house? It
doesn't matter because ice cream doesn't have seeds. --Jesse Johnson
When you *do* give a rat's ass, nobody really appreciates that either.
I think Bill Gates is so rich because he got his wish when he said, "I
wish I had a nickel for every time this PC rebooted!" --Chris Caswell
I'll bet I know something about the guy who said, "The brain is the
most important sex organ."
A lot of people take the game of calling "shotgun" seriously, but I bet
no one takes it more seriously than a bunch of clowns about to get into
one of those clown cars. --R.M. Weiner
Listen to your body, because it has much to tell you. Like, "Howzabout
a shower every week or so?"
WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
Axe me about Ebonics
Seen on the back of a biker's vest: If you can read this, my wife fell
Cat: The other white meat
I went to see my doctor because I had a piece of cereal stuck in my
ear. He told me I wasn't eating right.
I hate convertibles. It's like riding in a car with no top on it.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway
My dentist asked me if I floss religiously. I told him yes, I floss
more often than I go to church.
In certain ways, Iraq is more civilized than we are. For example, if
you get caught making a left turn at night while it's raining and you
have no lights on, and you don't use a turn signal, they cut off your
hands. Now that's the kind of law we could use in Atlanta.
If you can read this, please flip me back over... (seen upside down, on
Please take note:
Boldly going nowhere
Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
Please tell your pants it's not polite to point.
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull
The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit.
"If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?"
A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with
Linux is user friendly; it's just picky about who its friends are.
"The memory management on the PowerPC can be used to frighten small
-- Linus Torvalds.
If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
-- Arthur Kasspe
Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves.
Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school.
I'm not stupid. I'm just lazy.
To their credit, my new bifocals initially made me feel much younger.
Immediately after putting them on, I discovered that moving my head up
and down produced the same level of nausea that I once got only at
high-school beer parties. --Robert Kirby
People who see driving up and down the main drag of a small town 3,000
times a night as a relief from boredom are the sort of people who
watched Beavis and Butthead to stretch their minds. --Bill Hall
In times of rapid changes, learners inherit the earth, while the
learned find themselves beautifully equipped to deal with a world that
no longer exists. --Eric Hoffer (Former Labor Boss)
I was cruising the information superhighway and accidentally ran
head-on into a fact. --Bob Thaves (Frank & Ernest)
Christian Fundamentalism: The doctrine that there is an absolutely
powerful, infinitely knowledgeable, universe spanning entity that is
deeply and personally concerned about my sex life.
Bikers are living proof that you can wear leather and not look sexy.
--J. Wagner (Crabby Road)
California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
-- Fred Allen
Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person
to die. --Malachy McCourt
I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died. --Richard Diran
When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting
clothes for Christmas. --JoLene
There are a lot of things we do that are irrelevant, but that's what
the Senate is for. --Sen. Alan Simpson, R-Wyo.
CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
Some people think seeing an angel is a miracle... for me, finding ice
cream in the freezer at exactly the right time is one. :)
Every once in awhile I'll get up and groggily look in the mirror,
barely able to recognize myself under all the makeup and the bleached
hair. Then I realize I'm just looking at my David Bowie poster again.
I must be getting old. I threw out a Playboy calendar merely because
it was last year's.
Dad always promised me that when I turned 12 he would take me flying.
So on my 12th birthday, Dad put on his blue tights and red cape and
took me to the roof of a tall building and jumped. I guess Dad didn't
really know how to fly. --Anna Chin-Williams
Now that summer is over, I long for the warm sunny days playing Frisbee
with my dog, and I think, "Man I should probably get him off the
neighbors roof now." --Wes Nessmann
I can't believe some of the cool secret gadgets my new car has. Why,
with just a flick of a button on the mirror, I can get all the cars
behind me to dim their lights. --Spud Anderson
I think a neat addition to the Swiss Army Knife would be a Swiss Army
Lava Lamp. That way, if you're lost in the wilderness, there's instant
entertainment. --Rian Rutherford
I strongly believe that if you set a bunch of monkeys in front of
typewriters for a long time, they wouldn't type all of the classics.
They would probably just type a bunch of books about monkeys. --Chris
Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to
every man. Isn't that the damnedest time for a guy to get those odds?
You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start
confiding in you.
Sometimes at work, I think to myself, "If shit were camouflage, I'd be
invisible right now." --David Huddle
Sticks and stones may brake my bones but whips and chains excite me.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
God is coming. Remember to swallow.
What scares me most about the concept of Good Old Days is that someday,
these will be the Good Old Days.
I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
Mind Like A Steel Trap -- Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.
"The human brain is like an enormous fish -- it is flat and slimy and
has gills through which it can see."
-- Monty Python
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
I think my paranoid schizophrenia has improved my ability to be a good
ruler of my fellow Aztec citizens. --Jennifer Piatak
I think that if my last name were Back and I had a little girl, it
would be my responsibility to name her Helen. --Tim Groen
Whenever I go to a bar, I always go right up to the most beautiful
woman in the room and say, "You've got something hanging out of your
nose." Hey, since I've got no shot at her, I might as well humble her a
little for the next guy. --Michael Hayward
When ever someone tells me I'm barking up the wrong tree, the hair on
the back of my neck stands up and I get this irresistible urge to bite
their pants leg. --Dave Henry
I think the perfect romantic card for rednecks would read... "Honey, I
love you more than beer." That pretty much says it all. --Jennie Cowan
Sometimes I wonder why I just can't be happy, and then I realize it's
because Joe's bogarting the bong. --R.M. Weiner
You can tell a lot about a man from the kind of underwear he wears.
Like the guy who wears silk boxers on his head -- that guy's probably
nuts. --Paul Paternoster
Maybe some things do improve with age, but no matter how long I wait,
my Commodore 64 just won't run Windows 95. --Keith Sullivan
Everything I know I learned from my cat: When you're hungry, eat.
When you're tired, nap in a sunbeam. When you go to the vet's, pee on
your owner. --Gary Smith
When I was growing up, my mother always used to say, "Lick the wax
clean and cheese your hair well!" I'll never forget those trips to the
loony bin. --R.M. Weiner
Why is it that when snooty department stores put their Christmas
decorations out just after the 4th of July it's "elegant foresight",
but when I leave my Christmas lights up until April, my neighbors just
think I'm tacky? --Alisa Meadows
Apparently, some HR managers don't appreciate having interview
questions answered through interpretive dance. --Michael Hayward
A meal without wine is like a day without sunshine, except that on a
day without sunshine you can still get drunk. --Lee Entrekin
Sometimes I lay awake at night and imagine I'm lying in the grass,
looking up at the stars, and that there is a swing set nearby. Then I
realize I've fallen asleep drunk in the park again. --Dave Henry
I think probably the best place to be during an earthquake would be
bungie-jumping. --Andrea Judson
If the FBI really wants to find someone, why don't they hire Ed
McMahon? He'll find you every year, no matter how many times you move.
Rumor has it that FedEx and UPS are in secret negotiations to merge
after the strike is settled -- the new company will be known as
"FedUp." -- Sarah W. Soderlund
If I were a fraction, my goal would be world denomination. --Chris
All that glitters isn't gold, but if it's attached to a bicuspid and
embedded in concrete in front of your seat at the stadium, it most
probably is. --Peter T.T. Perez
If these walls could talk, they'd probably say, "No! Not the nails
again! Not the hammer! NOT THE HAMMER!!!!" --Jennifer A. Ford
So how come hedge trimmers don't come with a warning about the dangers
of wearing camouflage pants? --Eric "Stumpy"
If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound?
Ipenema must be a pretty small place, because I've only heard of one
person who's from there. --Whil Hentzen
I once saw a one-armed juggler juggling three tennis balls at a
carnival. Later, on TV, I saw an old Ed Sullivan show where a guy was
juggling three swords. I wonder if it was that same guy. --Steven
One difference between man and beast is that in the jungle there is no
group called Predators for the Ethical Treatment of Prey. --Jim
I look forward to the invention of faster-than-light travel. What I'm
not looking forward to is the long wait in the dark once I arrive at my
destination. --Marc Beland
Women: Ya can't live with 'em, ya... well, I guess I probably could
live with 'em. I think I've only got half a problem here. --Eryk
I once mistyped an e-mail and sent someone an e-mall instead, and it
took forever to transfer all that brick and mortar through my 28.8
modem. --Rob Sharp
My wife gave me a nose hair clipper for my birthday. I guess she
finally realized that wasn't a moustache. --Lee Entrekin
Old habits die hard, but probably not as hard as the nuns who wore
them. --Paul Paternoster
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They
left a little note on the windscreen which said, "Parking Fine."
My friend lost 5 inches on the Slim Fast plan. Now he has no penis at
all. --Rob Munda
After considerable thought, I have concluded that a Ponderance is
merely a Rumination dressed up in fancy clothes. --Ed Smith
The other day I was narrowly missed a head-on collision with another
car, and just like they say, my life flashed before my eyes. Now I
carry a big bag of popcorn in my car for just such occasions. --Chris
To me, sex is a way of communicating. A way of communicating: "Damn,
that feels good!" --Jim Rosenberg
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons
and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps toothpicks?
They say that money isn't everything, and that's true. Problem is --
look how many things it is though.
It is said that Love is blind. Friendship, however, is clairvoyant.
How come you never hear about "gruntled" employees?
Money: The stuff you use when all your credit cards are maxed-out.
I can't wait until my 20th High School reunion! The girls are going to
kill themselves when they see all the cool new stuff I've got in my
room. --Jim Rosenberg
I think I would fear death less if it came in a potpourri scent.
--Michael "Coach" Crawford
Some people think computers are hard to use, but they're wrong. I use
mine for a doorstop, and it's no trouble at all. --Steven Sugg
To make people wonder at a Halloween masquerade party, I'd go as Casper
the Friendly Ghost before he died. --Randall T. Moore
Living in an all-glass house has its disadvantages, but seeing the
birds smack it makes it all worth while. --Kyle Gillette
I think a really funny joke would be for NASA to send up rockets and
push a bunch of planets out of alignment. Then they could sit back and
laugh when everyone realizes that their horoscopes aren't coming true.
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why
I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash
clothes on the last day of their life? --Age 15
I think from now on when people ask me, "How are you?" I'll just burst
into tears. That'll teach 'em not to be so nosy. --Alisa Meadows
You know what I hate? When you go to a friend's house for a party, and
his parrot lands on your head and craps down your neck, and everyone
laughs... then you grab the parrot, wring his neck, and toss him out
the window... and *then* everyone thinks you're mean. I hate that.
I think that the height of rudeness is about six foot three. --David
I think, deep down inside, little children *want* to be told the truth
about Santa Claus. Why else would they stand in line for an hour just
to sit on my lap? --Don Swain
I've found crashing jets into skyscrapers is a good way to catch
supervillains. But since this is real life and not a comic book, maybe
it's not such a hot idea after all. --David James
El Nino taught me that some of the most beautiful things in nature are
also the most dangerous. Like 30 foot waves, giant thunderstorms, and
topless blondes driving on rain-soaked highways. --Mark Schmidt
Sometimes when I'm sitting in my car at a stop light, I imagine myself
as Luke Skywalker, and I close my eyes and concentrate on using The
Force. Sometimes I have to concentrate longer than others, but I know
it works, 'cause the light always turns green. --Troy Peterson
"In St. Albans, the fourth annual Winterfest was postponed because of
wintry weather." --Sunday Gazette-Mail
Love is a many-splendored thing. Until you have to explain to 300
million people why your splendor "by-product" is causing a tax hike to
cover the new Presidential Emergency Dry-Cleaning Fund. Then it's just
a pain in the ass. --Alisa Meadows
There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
The grass is always greener on the other side, except maybe in the
Sahara, cause I bet there it pretty much sucks everywhere. --Meghan
It's a good thing Buddha didn't use his copy of the Abs Of Steel video,
because who would want to rub a washboard stomach for good luck?
The same country that makes Hyundai and Kia now wants to build a
nuclear reactor. Don't you think they should master the internal
combustion engine first?
"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will
piss on your computer." --Bruce Graham
There is no way that I'm obsessed with Cindy Crawford, because I mean
she's *perfect* and if she's perfect (which she is) then she can't, you
know, *attract* psychos because that wouldn't be perfect. Right?
They say Disneyland is the happiest place on earth, but I think that a
laughing gas factory would be pretty tough competition. --Greg Pettit
Read in a book: The door creaked silently.
Whenever I walk into a bar, I always look for guys carrying ducks.
That way, the next time I heard someone at the water cooler say, "So
this guy walks into a bar with a duck...", I could say, "Yeah, I saw
I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no
personality at all.
I had a dream the other night. They did a sequel to Forrest Gump and
the scene I saw was Forrest getting lost on a White House tour and
peeking into a room that explained that whole Bill, Monica, and dress
thing. --Ken Weinert
I reckon if you're ever going faster than the speed of light and you
see yourself die in the future in a really horrible manner, it's
probably best not to think about it. --Buck Joyce
If love is blind, then why do they make lingerie?
When I hit the lottery, I'm going to get my transmission fixed.
Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers.
People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones; but paint balls might
fun. --Elizabeth McLeod
I want to quit smoking, but the drugstore refuses to sell me the patch
because I'm not 21 yet.
My post office has a permanent sign on the stamp machines that says:
"Temporarily out of service."
Would you mind terribly much if I asked you to take your silly-assed
problem down the hall?
"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." --Dave Platt
Sometimes I wonder, "Why don't they ever use my ruminations?" And then
I remember, "I haven't sent them any." --Tom Brehmer
One recent study reported that men with the most education get the
least amount of sex. Another study reported that highly educated women
have the most headaches. Is there some correlation here?
If earth were the size of an pencil eraser, that would mean that the
Sun would be slightly bigger than a breadbox and we humans would be the
size of really pissed off little people. --Jay Allen
God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on
where to go.
"Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.
"No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God.
"Well, how about Mercury?"
"No, it's too hot there."
"Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?"
"No," said God, "They're such horrible gossips. When I was
there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're
still talking about it."
Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I
myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do
afterward. --Kurt Vonnegut (Palm Sunday)
Any husband who says, 'My wife and I are completely equal partners,' is
talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. --Bill Cosby
Everyone is a philosopher. Not everyone is good at it. --Alfred North
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain
all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you
should get rid of the body before you do the wash." --Jerry Seinfeld
I was throwing a tennis ball against the wall the other day, when I
thought, "Gee, this would be more fun with a kid." But you know, I bet
they really don't bounce as well.
I want to buy a catapult and only launch cows from it. The animal
rights people wouldn't like it very much, but I'm not too worried
because I don't think they'd mess with a guy who's got a catapult.
If I had a dollar for every time someone said, "If I had a nickel for
every time someone said..." well, I guess I'd talk in cliches a lot
I bet whenever a cow sees one of those "Got Milk?" commercials, it gets
all smug and walks around with a condescending grin on its face for the
rest of the day.
I bet dating when you're a member of an endangered species is much
simpler, because there just aren't that many other guys for the girls
to choose from. Although if you asked a girl out and she said, "Not if
you were the last Thornyeyed Toadstool Sucker on Earth," it would have
real potential to be emotionally crippling.
When my 5-year old nephew says, "I want to be an Doctor when I grow
up," I tell him about what a rip-off HMO's are, and how they won't
cooperate with my Worker's Comp claim. That usually shuts him up.
When you're drunk the floor is your best friend because it's always
there for you.
I was speeding down the freeway when a giant hand reached down from the
sky, picked up my car and put me back to the beginning of the freeway.
I hate it when that happens. --Anna Chin-Williams
Blood is thicker than water. Plus, the goldfish don't seem to like it
as much. --Michael Turniansky
I bet that when the apple landed on Newton's head, "gravity" wasn't his
first guess. First, he probably thought, "My god! The ancient tribe
of crazed apple-throwing Babylonian chimpanzees has finally caught up
with me!" But then after he looked around and didn't find any simians
he thought, "Oh yeah, gravity."
If I had a hammer, I would hammer in the morning, because the people in
the apartment next door are always blasting their music in the dead of
night and it would be nice to wake them up for a change.
They say there's a broken heart for every light on Broadway, so
whenever I'm there I try to make the world a happier place by smashing
as many of those bastards as I can.
You can pick your friends. You can pick your nose. But you can't pick
your friend's nose without kidnapping him from work at gunpoint,
blindfolding him, driving to an undisclosed location, and chaining him
to a wall naked. At least, I can't. --Matthew W. Schmeer
It's probably not good to use the word "orgasmic" a lot around people
who don't have genitalia. --Gavin Haentjens
I told my boss I felt sick and wanted to go home, and he said, "You
don't look sick." So I threw up on him. I can pretty much go home
whenever I want now.
404 -- someone who is clueless, from the World Wide Web error message
"404 Not Found," meaning the requested document couldn't be located.
Don't bother asking him, he's 404.
ALPHA GEEK -- The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in
an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."
Are you *sure* there's a hyphen in anal-retentive?
Grammar lesson for the Millennium: An apostrophe does NOT mean: "Look
out! Here comes an S!"
BEEPILEPSY -- The brief seizure people sometimes suffer when their
beepers go off, especially in vibrator mode. Characterized by physical
spasms, goofy facial expressions, and stopping speech in mid-sentence.
When folks start quoting the Bible I listen carefully until I am
certain that they are combining verses or quoting out of context. I
can't cite the sources exactly but can usually cause the quoter to
leave in a huff by combining the following two: "And Judas went out and
hanged himself." "Go thou and do likewise."
BRAIN FART -- A byproduct of a bloated mind producing information
effortlessly. A burst of useful information. "I know you're busy on
the Microsoft story, but can you give us a brain fart on the Mitnik
bust?" Variation of old hacker slang that had more negative
CGI JOE -- A hard-core CGI script programmer with all the social skills
and charisma of a plastic action figure.
Change is good. You go first.
"We *know* everything is in a state of chaos, so where's the
Don't you just KNOW that there is more than one Sierra Club member who
is absolutely sure that the dinosaurs died out because of something
COBWEB SITE -- A World Wide Web Site that hasn't been updated for a
long time. A dead web page.
To err is human, to really screw up requires the use of a computer....
DEAD TREE EDITION -- The paper version of a publication available in
both paper and electronic forms, as in: "The dead tree edition of the
San Francisco Chronicle..."
DILBERTED -- To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from
the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character.
"I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the
fourth time this week."
If you're not living life on the edge, you're taking up too much room!
EGO SURFING -- scanning the Net, databases, print media etc. looking
for references to one's own name.
27% of U.S. male college students believe life is "a meaningless
Just the facts ma'am... --LAPD Sgt. Joe Friday
Facts? I don't need no stinkin' facts! --Rush Limbaugh
IT'S A FEATURE -- From the adage "It's not a bug, it's a feature." Used
sarcastically to describe an unpleasant experience that you wish to
Flames ignored, unless particularly insipid, then ridiculed.
Cats are nature's way of telling you your furniture is too nice.
Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge; others merely gargle.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not
screaming in terror like his passengers.
GRAY MATTER -- Older, experienced business people hired by young
entrepreneurial firms looking to appear more reputable and established.
GRAYBAR LAND -- The place you go while you're staring at a computer
that's processing something very slowly (while you watch the gray bar
creep across the screen). "I was in graybar land for what seemed like
hours, thanks to that CAD rendering."
Freedom means never having to log off.
Proving a ham sandwich is better than true love ... Nothing is better
than true love ... A ham sandwich is better than nothing.
Where are we going? And why are we in this handbasket?
As long as there is an on-line help function, it is generally possible,
by judicious experimentation with reasonable alternatives, to hang the
Black holes are where God divided by zero
You're a blithering idiot who wouldn't know a clue if it appeared on
your screen in a GUI interface with a button labeled, "I'm a CLUE --
click here to acquire me."
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
KEYBOARD PLAQUE -- The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on
computer keyboards. "Are there any other terminals I can use? This
one has a bad case of keyboard plaque."
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dish-washing
liquid contains real lemons?
Never pride yourself on knowledge. Remember, even a head of iceberg
lettuce knows more than you do. It knows whether or not that light
really does go out when the refrigerator door shuts.
Life is the only game in which the object of the game is to learn the
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak?
To use a map, you must know where you are.
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
Some folks are just a murder waiting to happen.
You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really
any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.
This also gets me started on another pet peeve of mine. I know it's
not relevant, but people who can't spell "peeve" shouldn't be allowed
to keep them as pets.
MOUSE POTATO -- the on-line generation's answer to the couch potato.
If you kept last year's resolutions, you'd probably be skinny, healthy,
smart, rich and bored.
"To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when
you walk around. That way, if anybody says, 'Hey, can you give me a
hand?' you can say, 'Sorry, got these sacks.'"
SALMON DAY -- The experience of spending an entire day swimming
upstream only to get screwed in the end.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
So much classroom time is spent on parenting that should be done at
home that there isn't enough time left for academics.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and people offer you
Never believe anything until it has been officially denied. --Claud
On a front door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the
I always look for jobs that have drug testing because I studied.
E-mail -- When it absolutely, positively has to get lost at the speed
of light. --Jerry Vuoso
On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
I was really getting worried about Grandma. Her letters had grown
increasingly bizarre and disjointed over the previous months. The lady
at the Nursing Home eased my mind a great deal, though, when she
promised to wrestle the old bag's stamps away. --Don Swain
Fathers: Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin
I'm thinking maybe I should finally give in and buy a handgun, because
you never know when you might find yourself alone downtown at night on
the streets in need of money. --Gregory Parrish
I don't buy temporary insanity as a murder defense. People kill
people. That's an animal instinct. I think breaking into someone's
home and ironing all their clothes is temporary insanity. --Sue
If Dr. Kevorkian got sick and decided to kill himself would it be bad
business if he decide to go to someone else?
Faster than the lead cat in a dog team. --Leroy J. Hebert
Why don't all the lonely people just meet somewhere?
In a nonsmoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on
fire and take appropriate action."
Normality is a curse for the weak. -- Me
Help wanted: Psychic. You know where to apply.
Now that Bill Bennett, the pope of the Republican Party, has proposed a
sexual purity test for presidential candidates, the next campaign could
be more titillating than the Jerry Springer Show.
When my wife and I divorced, we split the house fifty-fifty. She got
the inside and I got the outside.
My wife complained that cleaning the house nearly kills her. So I
bought us a bigger house.
A wise man once asked me, "What is the sound of one hand clapping?" I
thought for a minute, then I slapped him across the face. That got him
off my back. --Matt Diamond, Holland, PA
I'd like to have a dinner party and invite John Tesh and Charles
Manson. Not for their company, but because I really dislike John Tesh.
I bought my wife an electric typewriter. Now I'm looking for a chair
Everything I need to know I learned in kindergarten. It's a good
thing, too, because then my dad lost his job, and I had to go to public
school. --Don Swain
All's fair in love and war, except of course if you launch a cruise
missile at your loved one's home. That wouldn't be too fair. --Paul
Paternoster, Redwood City, CA
Who cares how many angels can dance on the head of a pin? I want to
know how many can mosh in the middle of a Fruit Loop. --Marko Peric
Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite
stump apart and eating all the ants.
You can duplicate the warmth of a down-filled bedroll by climbing into
a plastic garbage bag with several geese.
Modern rain suits made of fabrics that "breathe" enable campers to stay
dry in a downpour. Rain suits that sneeze, cough, and belch, however,
have been proven to add absolutely nothing to the wilderness
"Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying
around, I'd rather lie around. No contest."
-- Eric Clapton
"It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine
medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently
view it as some kind of recreational activity." --Dave Barry, humour
columnist, Miami Herald
The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The
sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.
Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately,
no one we know belongs.
When smoking a fish, never inhale.
A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot
enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your
BOROGAMY: The state or practice of having only one wife or husband.
For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat,
and wrong. --H. L. Mencken
When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
Posted on a bulletin board at a Virginia health club: "Free to good
homes -- six adorable puppies, all shots. Mother is a Champion A.K.C.
Registered Golden Retriever. Father is also a dog."
I don't get even, I get odder.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
-- George Carlin
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a
mistake when you make it again. -- F. P. Jones
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get
cold. Other people care more about the food." (Brad, 8)
I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I
generalize, I don't care. --Dave Barry
"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God."
Seen on a Bathroom Wall:
This graffiti has been funded by the National Endowment for the Arts.
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn
from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent
disinclination to do so. -- Douglas Adams
The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain,
involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The
hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": 1. fighting; 2. fleeing;
3.feeding; and 4. mating. -- Psychology professor in neuropsychology
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had
years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make
some of the worst movies in the history of the world. -- Dave Barry
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather
straps. -- Emo Phillips
"Microsoft's biggest and most dangerous contribution to the software
industry may be the degree to which it has lowered user expectations."
--Esther Schlindler, OS/2 Magazine
I am having an out of money experience.
I am not a perfectionist. My parents were though.
All persons, living or dead, are purely coincidental, and should not be
construed. --Kurt Vonnegut
How much faith does it take to be an atheist?
I like books more than videos, because they are much easier to rewind.
Interesting factoid. So, what's the speed of dark?
My wife told me if God wanted her to touch her toes, He'd put diamonds
on the floor.
I really hope diversity is our strength because US test scores show
that education certainly isn't.
If you could stack enough dollar bills to reach the moon from the top
of Mount Everest, it would mean that you have WAY too much time and
money. --Jay Allen
We have school uniforms, zero-tolerance policies, Internet in the
classrooms, and our kids are still the dumbest in the modern world.
I've been sitting here waiting for a qualified representative to answer
my call for over 20 minutes. They keep telling me that my call is
important to them. I'd really hate to experience how long it would
take them to answer if I wasn't important to them.
Has research revealed that there is a certain kind of music you can
play for infants that will keep them from becoming politicians?
Why do people who know the least seem always to know it the loudest?
A dozen, a gross, and a score,
Plus three times the square root of four,
Divided by seven,
Plus five time eleven,
Equals nine squared plus zero, no more.
Want to know what we stay-at-home moms do all day? We smoke pot, drink
beer and watch soap operas all day. Then, at 4 p.m. we wave our magic
wand, and all the chores are done.
My husband vowed to love me in sickness and in health. Then, I had one
small attack of nymphomania, and he took off.
If anyone had told me that becoming overweight was this uncomfortable,
I never would have allowed it to happen.
I saw this billboard that said, "Come see how we fly." Don't they
still use those big shiny airplanes?
The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
A new survey has determined that 78 percent of the citizens complaining
about Clinton's affairs are too ugly to have one of their own.
If I lick Jerry Garcia postage stamps, will I get stoned?
My cohorts and I would like to know what a "hort" is.
Don't worry if you start losing your memory. In fact, just forget
Why is it so difficult for me to listen to easy listening music?
Procrastinators are people who won't take now for an answer.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
People act like it's such a shame dinosaurs are extinct, but if they
suddenly reappeared and a T-Rex ate a Girl Scout troop, I bet they'd
change their minds. (Caroline Gennity)
i souport publik edukashun
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
Sometimes the giant hamster of misfortune doesn't seem to want to run
on anybody's wheel but yours. (George Olson)
Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.
Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.
I used to think the human brain was the most fascinating part of the
body. But then I realized, Well ... look what's telling me that!
"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat."
You know it is going to be a bad day when your morning cereal goes
UGA Humor List
"The New York Times is read by the people who run the country. The
Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country.
The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive
and running the country ..."
-- Robert J Woodhead
Put no trust in cryptic comments.
Death is not the end; there remains the litigation over the estate.
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a
smart woman with a dumb guy. --Erica Jong
Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you're an idiot.
You can't fall off the floor.
You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent, and you don't
know till the 4th of July.
You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the
"I never married, because there was no need. I have three pets at
home, which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog, which
growls every morning, a parrot, which swears all afternoon, and a cat
that comes home late at night." --Marie Corelli
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one
that will get you home earlier.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
I don't like orange.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes, because I know I'm not
dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde. --Dolly Parton
"In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want
anything done, ask a woman." --Margaret Thatcher
Hard as it is to believe, sometimes bloody, proletariat revolution just
isn't the answer. Like in Algebra class, for example. --Don Swain
Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with
nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month. --Wernher von Braun
Why are there no recreational drugs taken in suppository form?
And I know that there are people in this world who do not love their
fellow human beings and I HATE people like that! --Tom Lehrer
[The English language] is the result of Norman soldiers trying to make
dates with Saxon barmaids, and is no more legitimate than any of the
other results. --Robert A. Heinlein
"What about love?"
"Overrated. Bichemically no different than large quantities of
- Devil's Advocate
What exactly is "midair"? Is there some other part of air besides the
There's no time like the present. But a couple of minutes ago probably
bore a *striking* similarity. --Lev L. Spiro
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion.
Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed
and color, but also on ability. --T. Lehrer
There are many intelligent species in the universe. They all own
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade
another country. --Elayne Boosler
"All flesh is grass"
Smoke a friend today.
My heart's in the right place. I know, 'cuz I hid it there.
I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. --Gilda Radner
I wish I were left-handed. That way when I'm at work writing in my lab
notebook, I might end up smearing ink into my open hand wound and get
ink poisoning and then I could collect disability. --Paul Paternoster
I think you should know I worry a lot. Like the Nobel sperm bank.
Something bothers me about the world's greatest geniuses sitting around
reading pornography and jerking off. --Jane Wagner
It's paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to
everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone. --Andy
The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more
annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
If he should ever change his faith, it'll be because he no longer
thinks he's God.
When he brags he's a "Self-made Man," you can't help but wonder who
Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to
get more wax!!
The Third Law of Photography: If you did manage to get any good shots,
they will be ruined when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door
and all of the dark leaks out.
Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored. --George Saunders' dying
Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him.
They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun
of it. --Thomas Carlyle
We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always
respect their good judgment.
Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a
There once was a couple named Kelly
Who walked around belly-to-belly.
It seems in their haste,
They used Carter's paste
Instead of petroleum jelly.
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one
persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all
progress depends on the unreasonable man. --George Bernard Shaw
Bumper sticker of the day: "Abolish hostility: Kiss my friendly ass"
The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and
ends when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his
If I could only ask God one question, it would be "Which came first,
the chicken or the egg?" because, dammit, it's about time people
learned the truth! --Kirk Reuter
Home computers are the perfect thing for women who don't feel that men
provide them with enough frustration. --J. Wagner
I've been on an emotional roller coaster lately. The other day my mood
ring exploded. --Janine DiTullio
The obvious mathematical breakthrough [to break modern encryption]
would be development of an easy way to factor large prime numbers.
--Bill Gates from "The Road Ahead," p. 265.
"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video
camera and come help me."
- Bobcat Goldthwait
"A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new
boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad."
- Christopher Case
When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into
the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
-- Woody Allen
/earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.
"I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight
years old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter."
- Drew Carey
"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them
above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'"
- Bruce Baum
"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice.
One day, he took me aside and left me there."
- Ron Richards
I don't remember being born; it must have happened during one of my
- Jim Morrison
"I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the
- Winston Spear
"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking
the locks, they are always locking three."
- Elayne Boosler
God is real, unless declared integer.
The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity
-- the rest is overhead for the operating system.
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
Majority, n.: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
People who live in glass houses shouldn't cavort nude on top of the
piano doing gorilla impersonations.
Do you know the best way to heal dry, chapped lips? Stop moving
March is the month God created to show people who don't drink what
a hangover is like. --Garrison Keillor
Mathematicians take it to the limit.
Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no
account be allowed to do the job. --Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's
Guide to the Galaxy"
You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College: Have plenty of football
for the alumni, sex for the students, and parking for the faculty.
The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..."
Consider the beauty of the forest. Now consider the beauty of the
forest on drugs. Cool, huh? --Lev L. Spiro
Furbling, v.: Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport
or bank even when you are the only person in line.
--Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made
sense from things she found in gift shops. --Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God
create goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "SOMEBODY has to buy
retail." --Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
Meader's Law: Whatever happens to you, it will previously have
happened to every one you know, only more so.
If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances
are 50-50 it will.
"Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline
like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?"
-- Jay Leno
AMAZING BUT TRUE ... There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if
it were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
"Those who dance are considered insane by those who can't hear the
-George Carlin, "Brain Droppings"
Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate.
I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday
People are more violently opposed to fur than leather, because it's
safer to pick on rich women than biker gangs. --Lenny Schafer
It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. --Phil White
Do not ever give the chance to a man to act civilized; he will fail
Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers:
If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as
if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question
back at him.
Accident, n.: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but
absence of body is better.
Ass, n.: The masculine of "lass."
To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. --Woody Allen
Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called
"Bureaucracy". Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do
Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting
for a dial tone.
Binary, adj.: Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes.
Boy, n.: A noise with dirt on it.
When in doubt, use brute force. --Ken Thompson
Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every
effort to teach them good manners.
If you were to lay all the cigarettes smoked in just one day end to end
around the equator, a lot of those Third World countries probably
wouldn't let you do it. --Ed Smith
I drink to make other people interesting. --George Jean Nathan
Patience is a quality you admire in the driver behind you and scorn in
the one ahead.
Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not
be evenly distributed.
Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.
Arguments with furniture are rarely productive. --Kehlog Albran, "The
Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you
out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles.
Pardo's First Postulate: Anything good in life is either illegal,
immoral, or fattening.
Arnold's Addendum: Anything not fitting into these categories causes
cancer in rats.
Even a woodpecker owes his success to the fact that he uses his head.
If you have a penny and I have a penny and we exchange pennies, you
still have one cent and I still have one cent. But if you have an idea
and I have an idea and we exchange ideas, you now have two ideas and I
now have two ideas.
Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot -- it's more like the
land He's trying to ignore.
It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it's one
damn thing over and over. --Edna St. Vincent Millay
"The pot puts you in a slightly different plane of existance and
there's a guy in the new plane messing with your leg."
Real computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic
value but they find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is
much too large to implement. Most computer scientists don't notice
this because they are still arguing over what else to add to ADA.
Energizer Bunny arrested -- charged with battery.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
Corduroy pillows -- they're making headlines!
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my hard disk?
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades.
Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been
-- Groucho Marx
Have an adequate day.
UFO's are for real; the Air Force doesn't exist.
"When angry, count four; when very angry, swear."
-- Mark Twain
Ankh if you love Isis!!
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he
gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.
"If we don't become the people we want to be soon, we won't have enough
time to gloat."
We do NOT live in a binary world.
Whenever I have a birthday, I think back over the past year, how I've
spent my time, what I've accomplished, what regrets I have, how I've
tried to make the world a better place, and what exactly I've been
doing with my life over the past 365 days, and I think to myself, "Man,
I wish I'd gotten laid more." --R.M. Weiner
Sometimes being a bitch is all a woman has.
Bobby was a chemist, but Bobby is no more.
What Bobby thought was H2O was H2SO4.
There's more to life than a hamburger. You have to eat it, too.
Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
Beware of low-flying butterflies.
From Latin "calor", meaning "heat" (as in English "calorie" or
Spanish "caliente"); and "fornia'" for "sexual intercourse" or
"fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex."
-- Ed Moran
FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS #14
Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to your good
liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert and
light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything
drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck.
"...you should never have more children than car windows."
-- Erma Bombeck
Never try to outstubborn a cat.
People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed.
Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
vividly manifests their lack of progress.
"The most amazing achievement of the computer software industry is its
continuing cancellation of the steady and staggering gains made by the
computer hardware industry..."
- Henry Petroski
A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.
Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to
speak it to? --Clarence Darrow
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29:
THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present
information and prejudice from your minds, if you have
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32:
Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A: I will be three months November 8th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time?
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37:
Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A: Picking them up in the air.
Q: Where was the dog at this time?
A: Attached to the ears.
Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking
"Did you know that you can order pizza on the Web, but absolutely no
one can figure out why you would want to do that?"
-Cool Site of the Day
"For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but
phone calls taper off."
-- Johnny Carson
The difference between America and England is that Americans think 100
years is a long time, while the English think 100 miles is a long way.
- Earle Hitchner
Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the
Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.
Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an
utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life
forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches
are a pretty neat idea ...
-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
DISCLAIMER - These opoi^H^H "damn",^H, [esc :q :qq !q "shit!" :Q!
"Whaddya mean, Not an editor command?" :wq! ^C^C^C !STOP ^bye ^quit
:quit! !halt ... ^w^q :!w :wq! ^D :qq!! ^STOP [HALT! HALT!!! "Why's
it doing this?" :stopit! :wwqq!! ^Z ^L ^ESC STOP :bye bye bye! "Hey,
what's this red button d..."
I met my dream girl last night. Too bad it was in a dream.
"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."
-- Dean Martin
Did you hear? Easter is canceled this year... yeah, they found the
Elevators smell different to midgets.
Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you
That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be
The Fifth Rule: You have taken yourself too seriously.
"Thrusting my nose firmly between his teeth, I threw him heavily to the
ground on top of me." -- Mark Twain
A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?
Fog Lamps, n.:
Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the
fronts of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the
driver's brain is in a fog.
See also "Idiot Lights".
Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing.
-- Walt Kelly, "Putluck Pogo"
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the on roof and
If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well
enough to travel.
"Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word
except in major motion pictures."
-- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
You! Out of the gene pool!
'Tis a sad thing to gloat when you are the only one in competition.
and i suffer not false prophets to teach in the streets, yea, i shall
cast them out of the city forthwith, for i am a Jealous God, and there
shall be no gods before Me in the eyes of My people. false gods and
prophets shall arise, yet My people will not believe in them, and their
faith shall remain with Me, and, verily, i will cast the false ones
into the Burning Lake of Chocolate and roast them like marshmellows for
My holy s'mores.
- The Book of Shayd
When God Created Men She must have been Drunk!
If Jesus and Satan both had a mailbox, who would get more mail and why?
Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month):
Don't Write On Walls!
You want I should type?
Life is great, but the hours are hell. --Gregory G. Parrish
BL! PA!!(!!!) SF~(**) TP!! F* B/F* A! V! B** G! O! S!! N! K!! H* DS~
TF** R** C**
Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.
He is YOUR god, They are YOUR rules, YOU burn in Hell!
"I think extreme heterosexuality is a perversion."
-- Margaret Mead
You can lead a horse to water; get him to float on his back & you've
Without ice cream, life and fame are meaningless.
An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
I have never found that criticism is ever inhibited by ignorance.
Feel disillusioned? I've got some great new illusions ...
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve
immortality through not dying. --W. Allen
FLASH! Intelligence of mankind decreasing. Details at ... uh, when
the little hand is on the ....
Interchangeable devices won't.
One who enables two persons of different languages to
understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to
the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Intolerance will not be tolerated.
Jesus died for your sins. Don't let him have died in vain: sin a LOT!
This was just a joke. If this was a real email it wouldn't have been
sent by me. Have you all filtered me into the trash yet?
- Ray German
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it
happens. --W. Allen
Don't label me. That's my job.
The reward of energy, enterprise and thrift is taxes.
LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) -- Your determination and sense of humor will
come to the fore. Your ability to laugh at adversity will be a
blessing because you've got a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a
matter of fact, if you can laugh at what happens to you today, you've
got a sick sense of humor.
"That should be fairly obvious even to a seriously retarded hedgehog
(that's "mentally challenged mammal" for you PC people) from just a
- Linus Torvalds, creator of Linux
somtimes i wonder whether there is anyone out there to hear,
anyone wanting to hear,
anyone needing to hear.
other times i just listen.
Unix - it's a nice place to live, but you wouldn't want to visit there.
In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular.
For some reason, this .signature reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.
Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
I don't normally read minds, but this time I'll make an exception.
...obius .signature. This is a mobius .signature. This is a m...
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
According to the Bible, a Christian should have only one wife. This is
- Some kid
Flappity, floppity, flip
The mouse on the mobius strip;
The strip revolved,
The mouse dissolved
In a chronodimensional skip.
Q: How many New Agers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (in a flaky voice) We don't use light bulbs, we just think happy
thoughts at our quartz crystals and they glow.
This is a polysyllabic nonsequitur.
"If you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter."
-- Freeman Dyson
DISCLAIMER: The views expressed in this email may or may not offend
you. Bear in mind this email comes from a woman who has no life.
Consider the source & shut the hell up.
If you wish to succeed, consult three old people.
On-line, adj.: The idea that a human being should always be accessible
to a computer.
Q: How many Pagans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Six. One to change it, and five to sit around complaining that
lightbulbs never burned out before those damned Christains came
Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already
paid may disregard this fortune.)
This sentence is false.
I consider it my personal duty to offend as many people as possible.
"I'm a pervert, not a trend."
It works better if you plug it in.
The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is
it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television,
that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of
-- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
Fifth Law of Procrastination:
Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
there is nothing important to do.
First Law of Procrastination:
Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed
Brady's First Law of Problem Solving:
When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more
easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have
Hail to the Sun god! He's a real fun god! Ra, Ra, Ra!
Are we rambling?
I have two ears and one mouth, and strive to use them in that ratio.
Did you know ... That no-one ever reads these things?
Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
I believe in reincarnation so I wear my Ankh upside-down.
For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a
This Space For Rent
The definition of "SAINT": "A dead liberal who is worshipped by living
Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to
Why is it when we talk to God, we're said to be praying -- but when God
talks to us, we're schizophrenic? --L. Tomlin
Frankly, I don't believe people think of their office as a workplace
anyway. I think they think of it as a stationery store with Danish.
You want to get your pastry, your envelopes, your supplies, your
toilet paper, six cups of coffee, and you go home.
I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't
eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the
camera, "Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching.
Any day that you had gym was a weird school day. It started off kind
of normal. You had English, Geometry, Social Studies, and then
suddenly you're in Lord of the Flies for forty minutes. you're hanging
from a rope, you have hardly any clothes on. Teachers are yelling at
you, "Where's your jockstrap?!" Kids are throwing dodge balls at you,
snapping towels - you're trying to survive. And then it's History,
Science, Language. There's something off in the whole flow of that
4 And thus spoke God to the people from the mountaintop:
5 They shall speak beautiful words; yet you will know that I am God.
6 They shall attempt to lead you away; yet you will know that I am
7 They shall name My attributes in attempt to prove their sincerity;
yet you will know that I am God,
8 For I am a giving God, and My chocolate, My s'mores, and yea, even
My frappuccinos and sacred herbs, are evidence of My greatness, and no
other God will give you such treasures as these in proclaiming their
9 Know these things, and weep, for any who follow these other gods
shall surely be banished from My Head Shop, and shall be forced to
wander the earth in search of another sanctuary.
-- Book of Shayd, vol 6, ch 48, vs 4 - 9
Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want
music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a
slick surface next to a glass door!
If only God would give me a clear sign! Like making a large deposit in
my name at a Swiss bank. --W. Allen
Q: How many solitary witches does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (if they actually ask 'how many?', drum your fingers and stare at
them as you wait for them to grasp the obvious)
I'd claim you were a figment of my imagination, except if you were
you'd actually know how to spell.
A rolling stone gathers momentum.
The world is a very strange place and I'm glad I'm not a part of it.
Surprise due today. Also the rent.
Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.
"Life is too important to take seriously."
-- Tasha Tudor
When you flee temptations don't leave a forwarding address.
This is a test. This is only a test. Had this been an actual
.signature, there would have been some stupid quote here. This has
been a test of the Emergency .signature System.
The Mighty God Thor was riding across the skies on the fiery steed
Sleipnir. He raised his hammer and bellowed, "I'M THOR! I'M THOR!"
Sleipnir looked up at him and muttered, "You thoulda wore your thaddle,
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching
"Don't mistake lack of talent for Genius."
-Type O Negative
rm -rf .* is your friend.
"We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his
hands for masturbation."
-- Lily Tomlin
This .signature is umop-ep!sdn
Vegetables are what food eats.
"Call it what you like, this is Donna Reed with whips and chains."
- Phillip Miller and Molly Devon,
"Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns"
Too much of everything is just enough.
-- Bob Wier
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading
this sort of trash.
That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all.
A woman's work is never done. So why bother?
"The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and
to watch someone else do it wrong without comment."
-- Theodore H. White
Sen. Danforth: "There is nothing on the face of the album which would
notify you if the record has pornographics material or
material glorifying violence?"
Tipper Gore: "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me."
Frank Zappa: "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's
legs on the album cover is good indication that it's
not for little Johnny."
-- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock
lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Snacktrek, n.: The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of
constantly returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new
will have materialized. --Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter
of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund
is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman --
unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is
careful not to make any poultry jokes ... --Woody Allen
I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater.
What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the entrance?
Stupid, n.: Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay.
"You'll never know until you try it" works pretty well for most
unknowns, but "I wonder if it hurts to saw off the tip of my tongue?"
is probably not one of them. --Doug Rendall
A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which
removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to
doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous
amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware
limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the
larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient
An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the
building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has
bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer
If in any way unsatisfied with this email, please return unused portion
for a full refund.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get
another chance later on.
"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
- Lily Tomlin
"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake
and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I
said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' "
- Paula Poundstone
We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one
technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter.
When making a speech in front of lots of people, remember the only
thing you have to fear is fear itself. That, and electrocuting
yourself if you wet your pants. --Paul Paternoster
Van Roy's Law: An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature
replaces it with. --Tennessee Williams
Two percent of zero is almost nothing.
People who think they are thinking, are merely rearranging their
prejudices. --J Parodi, late 20th c philosopher
Chicken Soup, n.:
An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin,
cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup can't cure
is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
The highest result of education is tolerance. --Helen Keller
It is preferential to refrain from the utilization of grandiose
verbiage in the circumstance that your intellectualization can be
expressed using comparatively simplistic lexicological entities.
I think - therefore I'm single. --Lizz Winstead
If we could live forever, I would not live forever, because we should
not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we
would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would
not live forever. --Contestant in the 1994 Miss Universe contest.
There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly
what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly
disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and
inexplicable. There is another theory which states this has already
happened. --Douglas Adams
Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
Windows 95: noun. 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16
bitpatch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4
bitmicroprocessor, written by a 2 bit company that can't stand 1 bit of
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Isn't it amazing that the ugly figure skaters never seem to appear on
I quit smoking cold turkey. It was too hard cramming it into my pipe.
Another physics lesson for today: A body at rest tends to watch
If I can't get people to commit themselves on whether or not there is a
square root of two, then I won't touch on God or anything here. --Tom
The Winter Olympics has the luge, so why can't the Summer Olympics have
a huge waterslide race?
I don't care what the groundhog says, winter's not over until you can't
vacuum up any more Christmas tree needles from your carpet.
Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.
Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone
has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. --
English Professor, Ohio University
"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never
forgotten this." --Anonymous
When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will
keep the campsites on either side vacant.
Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps
they should live next door and just visit now and then. --Katherine
I'm surprised nobody has come out with "Sinking Ship" cereal, with
"floating survivor" marshmallow bits and "Titanic taste." --Gary Smith
Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as cats do. --Lee Entrekin
"Win98 [Windows 98 operating system] is just like a higher quality
heroin. It's still not good for us." --Capone (email@example.com)
"Technically, Windows is an 'operating system,' which means that it
supplies your computer with the basic commands that it needs to
suddenly, with no warning whatsoever, stop operating."
--Pullitzer-Prize winning columnist Dave Barry, in an article on the
recent Microsoft antitrust suit.
I think that there is a new cult in Atlanta that's growing in
popularity. They hold the religious belief that it is immoral and
impolite to use a turn signal.
A recently concluded $18 million, seven-year study by the University of
Stockholm has concluded that God speaks like we do here in the South.
Actually, he sounds almost exactly like Sen. Strom Thurmond.
I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hat found
that I had a fractured skull.
Does traveling faster than warp 4.7 REALLY cause pollution of the
space-time continuum, or are they just saying that so they don't have
to fix the potholes?
No trees were harmed by the production of this message: however,
rather a large number of electrons were somewhat inconvenienced.
Unsolicited email that advertises commercial activities will constitute
a request for spellchecking of all words of less than three characters.
I charge $US500 for this service. There is no warranty of correctness
of this service.
It's been said patience is a virtue, but I'm not a virtuous woman.
Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them
what time it is?
Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?
Some people like Autumn because all the leaves change colors and
everything looks so pretty. I like it because everything dies.
If you knew the Top 5 List contributors in real life, you would not
only unsubscribe, you'd get a whole new account and re-format your hard
Actual TV announcement: "'Tuesday Night at the Movies' will be seen on
Saturday this week instead of Monday."
"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled
through snow." --Jeff Valdez
You are what you throw out of your car.
I bet you could save a bundle in fuel costs for your old V8 car, with
minimal loss of performance, by using generic tomato juice instead.
"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is
infinitely superior." --Hippolyte Taine
One day, I'm gonna finally get up enough courage to actually go
skydiving, rather than just being thrown out of the plane like last
time. --LeMel Hebert-Williams
If at first, you don't succeed, does it depress you that no one is
surprised? --Jim Lockwood
I always wondered why we don't celebrate Thanksgiving with a pinata. I
think it would be fun to cook up a big turkey, fill it with mashed
potatoes, stuffing, and gravy and then tie it to the ceiling and bash
it with a stick until all the goodies fall out for the kiddies to grab.
If the President were a woman, this scandal never would have happened,
because women always keep a box of kleenex on their desks. --Patrice
Just who is this Didley Squat guy, and what's the big deal with me not
knowing him? --Dave Henry
Sometimes I feel like I really missed something. It's kind of like
showing up for work in the customary suit and everyone else is wearing
shorts and T-shirts. Not that that has ever happened to me, but I bet
that's how it would feel. --Matt Diamond
Why is it that every time I decide to go out drinking all night, the
next day I find that some joker has broke into my car, and left
Tacobell wrappers all over the floor? --The artist formerly know as
Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about
the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!" --Age 15
I remember the first time I saw a Dodge Stealth. I was so
disappointed. --Dave Henry
Sometimes while I'm sitting in the dark just a-rockin' with the
headphones on, I think, "Man, I should get a stereo so I can plug these
things in." --Bill Ervin
Some people threaten to sue when they're upset about something. Not me
-- I find that "I curse you to die celibate!!" gives much better
results, because almost nobody keeps a witch doctor on retainer.
What makes me tick? I don't know, but the noise is driving me nuts.
This morning I looked out my kitchen window and saw my dog burying
something. I went to check it out and found that it was my tongue. I
sure hope my poor cat forgives me for blaming her all that time. --Ed
If I ever got to drive a 'Big Rig' truck, I think it would be fun to
sleep in those back bunks, but I bet it would be even more fun to watch
the truck careen driverless down the highway. --Kermit Woodall
Once, while working in my office, I thought I saw Dorothy's house go by
out of the corner of my eye. Then I realized it was just that cow from
the movie "Twister." --Kenny Smith
Sometimes when it's raining really, really hard outside and I'm inside,
I want to find the guy who invented buildings and give him a big kiss.
Not a big wet kiss, though, because that would defeat the purpose.
When I was young, my dream was to work in advertising like Darren and
marry a good witch. Now that I'm older and wiser I realize how naive I
was. A good witch would never marry an advertising man. --Keith Bob
I saw this crowd of people the other day and about half of them were
women. I mean, what are the odds of that? They gotta be like one in
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
"Star Wars" topped Entertainment Weekly's list of 100 best works of
science fiction. "Coming in second was Madonna's 'Like a Virgin.'"
You can kill a fly by hitting it with a newspaper. But you can't do
that with a tiger, unless you hit it really hard, for a really long
time. --Graham Morgan
At twenty, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of
your soul. At fifty, you're inclined to settle for being the master of
your weight and the captain of your bowling team.
You're getting old when you don't care where your wife goes, just as
long as you don't have to go along.
A woman never forgets her age once she decides what it is.
A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets
"Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context."
In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in
the proper order then why can't he?
It's alright to talk to yourself. It's even alright to answer
yourself. It only becomes a problem if you're talking to yourself and
you go "Huh? What did you say?"
Save the trees ... Wipe your butt with an owl.
I saw a truck the other day with a "Give Wildlife a Chance" tag and a
dead deer strapped across a rack in the truck bed.
If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit
Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window
Bumper sticker: If God had intended us to vote, he would have given us
I bet the people of Gomorrah felt like they got the short end of the
stick. After all, they didn't get a perversion or a criminal activity
named after them. --Mike Miles
You know the end of the world is near when the Spice Girls start
reproducing. --Anderson Reggio
In a city filled with rubber chickens, only a spork could protect Ozzie
from the deadly fondue forks. --Ilya Baykin
You can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. Of course, you
could do even better with a dead squirrel. --Fred Schwartz
I think it would be fun if someone got up on a city bus and pretended
to be surfing. It probably shouldn't be me, though, 'cause I fell off
the first two times. --LeMel Hebert-Williams
Women: you can't live with 'em, you can't spy on 'em every night with
a telephoto lens through the window of your flophouse motel room. Or
at least that's what the restraining order says. --Bob Van Voris
If men are from Mars and women are from Venus, there's going to be one
big-ass fight over where to set the thermostat.
You ever wake up and wonder what time it is... and then the boss tells
you? I've grown to hate that! --Doug Rendall
I bet that "Trouble with Tribbles" episode would have been different if
Shatner had had a flame-thrower handy. --R. M. Weiner
When you're having a bad day and it seems like people are trying to
piss you off, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown, but only 4 to pull
the trigger of a decent sniper rifle.
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me.
The Vulcan Neck Pinch is not half as powerful as the Vulcan Groin Kick,
but it's more politically correct. --William White
Why did the Wicked Witch have a bucket of water in her castle if she
was so allergic to it in the first place? --Eliya Selhub
If Windows 95 and Windows 98 ever decide to start a rap group, I think
they should go by the names Sir-Crash-A-Lot and DJ Restart. --Ben
work = f.d
force = m.a
work = m.a.d --Neil Price
"Congress shall make no law abridging the freedom of sXXXch, or the
right of the people peaceably to XXXemble, and to peXXXion the
government for a redress of grievances." -- Marc Rotenberg
Benjy! Wait! Stop! Don't run into the street! BENJY!!!
How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are 3.155 x
10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, who could
forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a nanocentury. --
Tom Duff, Bell Labs
Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?
Snakes are God's way of saying: "Hey, look! A snake!" --Andy Pierson
The trouble with finding your perfect soulmate is that she would
probably want to get married, then four weeks after the wedding you
would meet another perfect soulmate, with larger breasts. --James
You know how much damage my car would take if I slowly and repeatedly
ran over a Spice Girl? Who cares? It would be worth it. --Dianna
No need crying over spilt milk. Unless, of course, you're a truck
driver and you just lost nearly 3800 gallons on the interstate -- then
it's okay to cry. --Dan Lantz
Sometimes I think about going to the gym and working out in order to
impress women, but hey, that's why I learned UNIX. --Mike B.
Vacuuming is so much more fun when the hamsters are loose. --Meghan
I Am the Person Your Parents Warned You About
Whining is anger through a very small opening. --Tim Gard
If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one.
Indian summer: A spell of beautiful weather brought on by putting away
any warm-weather clothing. --Doug Larson
You know, having a tracheotomy wouldn't be all bad, 'cause you could
smoke through that little hole in your neck, and how cool is that?!
If you're ever in a speeding train, and the bridge is out, whatever you
do, don't pull on the brake -- the lever ALWAYS breaks off. --Philip
The Miss Universe pageant must be fixed, because the winner is always
from Earth. --Dale Jenkins
You know, if Darth Vader had a chance to raise his children, they
probably wouldn't have been so rebellious. --Mike Berryessa
I think I should get a dog so he can stick his head out the window when
I drive. I looks really silly when I do it. --F. J. Varano
Go thou and sin more creatively next time.
It's okay to be a smartass. But if one night, you wake up to find your
ass reciting Shakespeare and reviewing your calculus homework, that's
not okay. (Brandy Warden)
Give a man twenty dollars, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man how
to make a twenty dollar bill, and he'll be fed for three to five years,
with time off for good behaviour. (Mark Milan)
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck got his friggin'
head blown off for screwing up my landscaped property? (Jaime
That was Zen. This is Tao.
Any urine found cheating will be automatically expelled. -Holly, Red
Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself. (Rita Mae
2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
I hope that Donald Trump does run for President. I think the White
House would look really cool as a 210-story glass tower with a 150,000
square foot casino on the main floor. (John Smiley)
Every time I start feeling jealous of people who aren't committed to a
state-run mental institution, I just remember that they don't know the
joy that comes with being Superman, and I laugh and laugh until they
bring me more lithium. (Ashleigh)
Fun for all: Go into an all-night hardware store at 2 A.M. and buy a
sledgehammer and a bunch of plastic tarps. Stare at the floor when
they ring you up, then walk away a few steps and turn around and
whisper, "You never saw me here. Got that, Sport?!" (Rebekah Persaud)
Maybe we're all just part of God's "Sim Universe" video game. Let's
just hope that He's not playing on a Windows machine, or we're all
screwed. (Jeff Ehrhart)
Dear Miss Manners:
Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from
Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on
your face ...
Excerpt from a conversation between a customer support person and a
customer working for a well-known military-affiliated research lab:
Support: "You're not our only customer, you know."
Customer: "But we're one of the few with tactical nuclear weapons."
Unfortunately, most programmers like to play with new toys. I have many
friends who, immediately upon buying a snakebite kit, would be tempted
to throw the first person they see to the ground, tie the tourniquet on
him, slash him with the knife, and apply suction to the wound.
-- Jon Bentley
You only get married once. Theoretically.
I bet Yoda wouldn't have talked backwards all the time if it weren't
for Frank Oz's hand up his ass. (Steven Givner)
Greed and envy are so-so, but I really like lust.
"The closest I ever got to being on Battlestar Galactica was running
around the Enterprise, which wasn't as good a consolation prize as
you'd think." -- Wil Wheaton
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why
you're just sitting there, staring at the carpet?
Because of the Internet, I can find examples of people who are more
stark raving mad than I am.
THANKS MR. INTERNET!!!