jan 26 1998

i see the black and white photograph, touch her face. Pale skin, dark hair. An ankh on her neck. she is beautiful. So hard to describe. I touch my own face; it is the same. my face is a little plainer because i am not wearing makeup. the big difference is the hair: once long, so long i had to move it aside when I used the toilet. in the picture it was curled. I haven't curled my hair since I cut it. Maybe that would offer some comfort. Or maybe not. I miss my hair.

it's short now. jaw-legnth. I needed something new, something different. i'd had long hair for so long. I look good with it short, too, but i miss the long hair because it was so ME and so different.

i walk aroudbt this house and see what it mine (or even ours) and what is not. the floors are not ours. they are not home. the rifrigerator is not ours, it is not home. that vase over there. Yes that's mine. my sister gave that to me for my last birthday. these books are mine. this chair is not. well it is but i've never associated it with home because its quite ugly and I think that if we had another chair i wouldnt let alex use this one.

so little provides comfort here. i see hes been trying to make it more like hom, he put some of the pictures up. that's why my picture was on the counter. but it will never be home here. my mom's house was home. my dad's house was home. the apartment was even home. but in all of those, I was surrounded by familiar things, things that were MINE. here the things that are not will always be more than the things that are. so it will never be home.

i dont think he understands that. he still sees his parents' house as home and cant understand why i dont even though i lived there for several months. it is because nothing there is mine.

these computers dont even feel like mine. he had them alreadyh. I just use them. some of the stuff on them are mine, but i cant get used to the computers being mine. if i left him or he left me they would go with him and i wouldn't have one. because they are his.

i own very little

that doesnt comfort me.

it scares me.

i want so much to be independant but i fear i never will be. how can i be? i make so little. it's just under $600/month now, by myself. and i get my crashes and the like which make it go down even more when i dont make it to work.

heh the car isnt even mine, not really. its in his dad's name.

maybe thats what this is all about. i need to be truly on my own for once. I've never lived by myself, or even with roommates that were nothing more than friends. that explains a lot, i think, from my lack of comfort here to my peeving him off to my wanting to go out and be a slut for once in my life. i think meghan can see that in me. she can understand it. then again, she lives on her own.

maybe i should get a place in her complex. id be near her, id be near familiar things, id be on my own.

i don't have a bed.

i just wish i knew where id be a month from now so i could plan things a little. dont want to start job huntig if i m just going to leave. but i need to get out opf this job im in. not want. need. they dont want me there any more than i want to be there.

john is leaving, ill miss him. so nice to look at. so nice to fantasize about.

trying to sort things out... if i go with alex, if he gets the job, i wont have to work but ill be trapped. because i'll be far away from familiar places and wont have meghan adn will probably lose all hope of ever supporting myself fully in my youth. if i stay here i'll probably be miserable missing him and barely able to live but ill be on my own.

i wonder how much insurance on just my car is

i already told him id go.

but i'm having second thoughts

okay, ive always been having second thought. i'm having third or fourth thoughts now.

starting to feel almost as bad as i did before we moved to the house

i miss the apartment

i even miss my mom's house.

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