jan 30 1998

i don't know

I don't want to leave

i got mad at alex

thoght about leaving him.

almost did

talking to him on the phone now, trying to sort it out.

don't want to go to cleveland, too far away.

no matter waht i do i'm fucked

he cant handle me seeing meghan or anyone else. if i go with him i will probably never have another woman. i dont think i could do that. but there will be so much stability with him, that i cant have if i stay here

he can't handle me being away for more than a day at a time i guess.

don't know if i can go with him... i woul dfeel trapped.

if i stay i'll wonder what i missed.

at least now i know what's wrong... jsut got done talking to him. he cant handle me spending this much time away from him. i think he really needs to be the only thing in my life... but i don't think i'd ever be happy that way

ah, the life of a polyamorous bisexual.

i think i made too many adult decisions when i was young. maybe if i wasn't in such a hurry to grow up I wouldn't be in the predicament I'm in now because i would have had my chance to do what I need to do n oww

so now i have too choose between stabilty and the man i love and freedom and the woman i love

it isn't going to be easy.

life never is.


I hope it doesn't come down to a question of who i love more.

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