feb 12
what's so amazing bout really deep thoughts

i duinno, things just seem broken.

i'm henrt they eighth i am

or soeemthing

she's starting on the roll-your-own cigarettes

everythings just... fucked tonight. She cut and alex shabed his head and i crashed and now she;'s like manic or seomthing and I keep crashing and I took my trazodone with frappacino o i don't know whatthat'll do to me.

things are just really really fucked right now.

we find out today wither he gets thejob and we're all amess. i'm not going in to wokr cuz i'm up too late taking care of her and me and stuff. and i took the trazodone to late to be able to drive to work without falling asleep on the greeway and we all know that's a big fat nono.

so I'm going to bed after I sleep today ........er going home after i sleep today and maybe snuggle with steve and catch up on graphics stuff cuz I haven't been home in ober a week now.

I just don't know what to do now. things are so messed up.

no one will be hap......................................................

if he gets the job, it's up to me to decide whtether or not to go. meghan is being more selfless than alexbut i can't stand to lose either of them. I can't imagince what it would be like to not have him there for me yet wer've been fighting so much lately i don't

heh, gave up on the roll ones and is messing with her camels

know ifi t's what's best for us,.

i wish i knew what to do eith me and her and him

it's all blowing upt,all going crazy

hey hey hey

world is collapsing around our years I turned up the radio and i can't hear it

REM is gods

or at least they seem that way right now

i tried to sing along damn that radio song hey hey hey


look in to my eyes

i should write more but I've lost my muse... she's gone for good this time I think. the poem i wrnte for meghan last night was a last0-sditch effort, and evern though it came out prettygood itwas too forced. Idon't know whether it'sme orthe meds but I need to be able to write because that was my only outlet. I don't have it anymore. Mypain is being too internalized because I'm afraid to let it out... can't hurt me or others or objects or even pillows. I'm just too gentle for my won good.... uised to be the writing was all I had but I don't even habe that anymore so qwhat do I do?

I don't likd my meds. either I'm nothing or I'm down,... and when I really need to be down all I get is a half-dfitch effort at tears and rwhen I need to be a little down I get a big fat blank spot where my emotions sholdc be and they're jusyt gone... so i need to take me offmy meds and start fionmding a therapist to rtry to gix things that way. mom sasid she'd pay for it. so I can have that no matte rwhat I choose

i don't know what to choose. nothing is clear to me antymore.

I'm wondering if this si even readable... I'm leaving all the typos in, except the ones I correct without thing,ing,. and trying to levave those in even and doing a lousy job of it. but I'm herytting nbetter at this uncensored thing. and I'm doing the scrartch our andf correct myself thing better than I used to

so maybe if I keep at this for long enough it'll becopme a truly uncesnsored log of nmy thoughts and feelings

and maybe efventually we'll get to the real me.

if shje exists.


It's over. He didn't get the job. Hell keep looking, and they still might give it to them (I mean, they haven't added it to any of the major software distributers yet), but for now it's over. Gi...... big fat genmeral sign of relief. I don't have to decide. I know what job I want to try to get now, too.... the place where I used to take bass lessons is hiring. Last time I was job hunting I couldn't work there because I was under 18, but I'm older now. I think I'd like it there. And I'll bet the pay is comparable to what I'm making now and the work will be less stressful because I won't have to talk stupid people through installing stuff. If it doesn't work, it's not my problem. if some dumbfuck messes something up, it's not my problem. I can handle that. My Customer Relations are just fine as long as they're not blaming me for everything that's wrong with their computer.

And I might see Jim again. That could be interesting. I miss Ken but Jim will be close enough... he'd at least know where Ken's living these days. Last I talked to him, Jim worked at Skip's in the drum apartment and it would be cool to work with him, just like it was cool to go to school with him. ASnd if I work at a music stor, getting a band together will be a lot easier than it has been. I think it would be a great thing for me to do.

now if only I can get alex to move bnack the commute there would be toldferabvle too.

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