this is a stream of consciousness thing, so bear with me i need to sort things out maybe i''m spreading myself too thin, maybe i'm not cut out for my life. maybe i just need to go hide by myself fora while. or may be that would hurt more than heko I don'tknow. ,aybe I'd have been better off never falling in love. i don;t know if it's worth the pain it's caused, not just for me but foralex and meghan as well. we're all hurting.all of us. they hurt when i go with the other, i hurt when they hurt. i want tohelp them bot at once, i want to be tehre for them both but i can't theyre too far apart.maybe I'm too pleasing maybe o'm tryingtoo hard. maybe i shuld just think about ymself for a while but then i feel selfish not like i don't wanyeay. I dfeel like maybe i shouldn't have started this whole thing in the first plce. i just case harm. itwas selfish of me to want a girlfriend maybe. yes, it was. i wanted a girlfriend. iknew i likedwomen. i knew i like d them a lot. but i was happy how i was. i shouldn't have started this whole thin..g... htough it's nice ot experience i don't know if it'sworth thepain often i wish i hadn't fallen in love. wilth who i don;t know. maybe in general. love is so hard. it hurts peopple. it's good when it works right but that's so hard t o do. no wonder cupid has an arrow. ithurts us and makes us fall in love. maybe cupid is the devil. maybe i grew up too fast. no,. tjere's no maybe in that. I rgre grew up too fast. i was so eager to be an adult. I even dreamedabout aaron proposing to me ... and we know how that turned out.fuck, knocked over the ashtray. just... i've alwaysbeen tooeager togrow up, be on my own, get away froim my parents... then i do itall wrong in stead of going awayto college like would have been the smart thing to do, i go and fall in love with some guy and movein with him. Then start dating women and fall in lovewiht some woman and now what do i do? the guy doesn't like the women o i have to split my time. now I have time with him and time with her but there's no ltim e lerft fgor me and when there is him & her are both tryingto talk to me and get my attention. there's no me left. no wonder idon't know whati want qwer34asdfvsdvdfgtysrthysrfSdf gah soo i'm me. let'sstartfrom the beginning this space bar doesn'twork very well. 1) i want to be happy. duh. 2) i want alex to like meghan. of course tha'll never happen so i don't know why i bother wishing for it. 3) i want to know myown mind. 4) i wabt to stop hurting everyone and evrything around me 5) i want joe back 6) io wabnt to be strong 7) i want to be self-sufficient 8) i wantto go back to schoolmuch as i hated it the first time. 9) i wantto know what i want. i'mnot getting anywhere with this. row 115 row 150 my brain doesn't think in english, you know that? it jsut... thinks. and then it refuses to translate forme. so i don't know what it thinks. you know, matvw i should just ise the pre tag fir these to save me a lot of coding. sh'e sthumpping i hurt her i hurt her by not knowing i feel like shit i want to go stop her but i know that won't help i feel so helpless row 1992 row 193 row 194 i don't know. that's the beginning and the end. 205 i should leave. i hurt everyone here. why did i think i could do things right? . . . . . ... . .. . . . . . . . .. .... 235 ....... ...... ..... .... ... .. . .. ... .... ..... ...... ....... ...... ..... .... ... .. . .. ... .... ..... ...... ....... 263 now i know why i never did these well in scvhool. cuz i don't htink in english so all i can do is make dot patterns but isn't this whole thing one long stream of consciousness? that's why it's uncensored. or a stream of subconsciousness. hmmm, maybe i'll color those dots when i codethis thatmight look pretty i'm hurting people by notknowing what i want. isn't that just a great thing to know? that when I'm trying to decide how to hurt people the least, i hurt them by not deciding? sometimes i wish i could picture the future. i don't need to predict it, just beablet ossee where it might go. but i can't. I just see the now. so maybe that's partof the problem. i only know what the now is, fuck what might be beacuse what might be doesn't exist. \ i've been thinking about dying a lot again,. wondernig whether the hurt of me being gone won't be as bada s the hurt of me trying to figure myself out.since i can't stop hurting things anyway. of course, this is me we're talking about. i'm too chickenshit even to hurt myself a little. \ i have no future.{Last} {Next}
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