feb 21
none to speak of

this is a stream of consciousness thing, so bear with me

i need to sort things out
maybe i''m spreading myself too thin, maybe i'm not cut out for my life. 
maybe i just need to go hide by myself fora while.  or may be that would
hurt more than heko  I don'tknow.  ,aybe I'd have been better off never
falling in love.  i don;t know if it's worth the pain it's caused, not just
for me but foralex and meghan as well.  we're all hurting.all of us. they
hurt when i go with the other, i hurt when they hurt.  i want tohelp them
bot at once, i want to be tehre for them both but i can't theyre too far
apart.maybe I'm too pleasing
maybe o'm tryingtoo hard.
maybe i shuld just think about ymself for a while

but then i feel selfish

not like i don't wanyeay. I dfeel like maybe i shouldn't have started this
whole thing in the first plce.  i just case harm.  itwas selfish of me to
want a girlfriend maybe.  yes, it was.  i wanted a girlfriend.  iknew i
likedwomen.  i knew i like d them a lot.  but i was happy how i was.  i
shouldn't have started this whole thin..g... htough it's nice ot experience
i don't know if it'sworth thepain

often i wish i hadn't fallen in love.

wilth who i don;t know. maybe in general.  love is so hard.  it hurts
peopple.  it's good when it works right but that's so hard t o do.

no wonder cupid has an arrow.  ithurts us and makes us fall in love.
maybe cupid is the devil.

maybe i grew up too fast.  no,. tjere's no maybe in that.  I rgre grew up
too fast.  i was so eager to be an adult.  I even dreamedabout aaron
proposing to me ... and we know how that turned out.fuck, knocked over the
ashtray.  just... i've alwaysbeen tooeager togrow up, be on my own, get away
froim my parents... then i do itall wrong  in stead of going awayto college
like would have been the smart thing to do, i go and fall in love with some
guy and movein with him.  Then start dating women and fall in lovewiht some
woman and now what do i do?  the guy doesn't like the women o i have to
split my time.  now I have time with him and time with her but there's no
ltim  e lerft fgor me and when there is him & her are both tryingto talk to
me and get my attention.  

there's no me left.  no wonder idon't know whati want


soo i'm me.  let'sstartfrom the beginning
this space bar doesn'twork very well.

1) i want to be happy.  duh.
2) i want alex to like meghan. of course tha'll never happen so i don't know
why i bother wishing for it.
3) i want to know myown mind.
4) i wabt to stop hurting everyone and evrything around me
5) i want joe back
6) io wabnt to be strong
7) i want to be self-sufficient
8) i wantto go back to schoolmuch as i hated it the first time.
9) i wantto know what i want.

i'mnot getting anywhere with this.

row 115

row 150

my brain doesn't think in english, you know that?

it jsut... thinks.
and then it refuses to translate forme.
so i don't know what it thinks.
you know, matvw i should just ise the pre tag fir these to save me a lot of

sh'e sthumpping
i hurt her
i hurt her by not knowing
i feel like shit
i want to go stop her but i know that won't help
i feel so helpless

row 1992
row 193
row 194

i don't know.
that's the beginning and the end.
i should leave. i hurt everyone here.
why did i think i could do things right?







now i know why i never did these well in scvhool.
cuz i don't htink in english
so all i can do is make dot patterns
but isn't this whole thing one long stream of consciousness?  that's why
it's uncensored.

or a stream of subconsciousness.
hmmm, maybe i'll color those dots when i codethis
thatmight look pretty

i'm hurting people by notknowing what i want.  isn't that just a great thing
to know?  that when I'm trying to decide how to hurt people the least, i
hurt them by not deciding?

sometimes i wish i could picture the future.  i don't need to predict it,
just beablet ossee where it might go.

but i can't. I just see the now.  so maybe that's partof the problem. i only
know what the now is, fuck what might be beacuse what might be doesn't

i've been thinking about dying a lot again,.  wondernig whether the hurt of
me being gone won't be as bada s the hurt of me trying to figure myself
out.since i can't stop hurting things anyway. of course, this is me we're
talking about.  i'm too chickenshit even to hurt myself a little.

i have no future.

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