feb 25
lemme 'splain

It occurred to me tonight that you might be getting the impression from these entries that I am a very depressed individual without any real reason to live. Well, that isn't quite the case. It's just that this is a place of secrets. These are the things that I can't share with anyone I know. Occasionally I'll show an entry to my girlfriend, when it says something I need to tell her that I can't otherwise articulate, but that's about it. And when I'm happy or in a good mood, usually I can share it with someone. And if I can't I do anyway because the information just bursts out of me. I'm funny that way. But when I'm down, a lot of times I can't really tell anyone why. That's why this site is here. And as a result, I appear to be someone who is depressed all the time. Really, I'm only depressed about half the time. ;)


it's over.

life as i know it is anyway. I left alex. As is predictable, we fought again. He wanted to see a movie. i wanted to see meghan. wwwe blew up at each other. we spent about 2 hours dancing around each other. I finally told him good bye. I havven't head from him since.

I regret breaking up with him online. But I've tried to in person and just can't jahandle ijhis reaction. i'm too compassionalte to just watch him cry. So now I feel mean and cruael amd like a badd guy for doing what was really better for us both. we were hurting each other. I'd had enouigh of it. I said good bye

i'd mever deliberately leftsomeone I love before.

hmm, maybe that's not quite true. I left my dad when I was 18 but that;s not quite the same kind iof love. and he & I weren;t hurting each other; ,y stepmom was hurting us bothj (all 3 if you count my sister) and i fianally couldn;t handle it and moved out to my moom's house.

but that;'s not the same. I hadn;t promised to marry my dad.

why has so much changed in the past year? a year ago i knew i wanted to be with hi, for the rest of my life. now i dont know that i want to be with anyone for tje rest of my life/. i don't know. i still have that dream of marrying someone and raising a family. but I think now what I want is a girlfriemd as my main encounter and maybe some men on the side.

heh, listen to me. most en bug the hell out of me. I have no idea why I'd want them "on the sude".

so now we come to this poimt in my life where I'm *still* not quite single but I', closer than I have been in a verylong time. i don't think I'll feel truly liberated until I live by myself. but I'm much closer. I resolve to no longer view each relationship as my last.

And I don't feel nearly as bad about my decision as I'd expect me to.

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