that which doen't kill us makes us stronger

but i don't think i'm any stonger

I'm having doubts already.  I suppose I shouldn't be.  I went and had a few
drinks and then crashed harder than I have in a long time.  And I missed
steve.  A lot.

I know I miss hiim, I know I love him.  i know it was best for me to break
up with him.  It's hard when the heart & mind don't agree.

i  feel fragile.  i feel like my fingers are going to break off.  they look
like they might.  but i know better/  I'mll come through; i awatys do.

not that I think I will  nowbut hindsight is always 20/20 and I always haev
before.

just this is so weird.

i think  I   want to leave him.  I just need my "single" timetoomuch to stay
with him.  but i  love hiiim more than   anything.  and we fight.  but i
love him.

he apologized for reacting so harshly.

dunno what to  make of that


new t hings are hard

i  want to sleep for a year.  maybe that'll fix things.

no, when I   wake up they'll still be here.

i love nicki

I want the world for her

Oh, and that name changing thing?  it's silly.  I'''m stopping it now.

they're common enough names anyway.

and it's hard for me to not censor myself when I have to censor the names.

soo it was a defeated purpose when i started
aheh, the kitty plays wif the plastic grocery bag

mebbe i should go get drunk again

or not








my mind is so fucked up it's not even funny.

I just want everything to magically be perfect and I know that's notg oing
to  happen.   i want to be able to have everything.  I want to love steve
and love nicki and date whoever I want but not have their love diminish.

i want too much.  if I were in either of their shoes I'd be pretty fed up
with me about now.

i miss steve   but my brain keeps telling me I did right.

but my heart says it wants him










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i  don't need other men.

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i need steve


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we need to work on not fighting so much though

dunno   how to fix that.
but if it getsf fixed i think i  know what i want.

i want him and nicki and maybe the occasional 3+some with one or the other
but that's   it.

Wow.

I know what I want for once.

I feel better now.

later

okay, so mayube I didn't know. I was still drunk.

Steve came over and hugged me for a while. I'm going over to the house tonight and getting some things. Going to talk to him some while I'm there. Predictably he wants to get back together but I don't want to do that to nicki... she can't handl my vacillation. So I'm standing by my decision. Don'y know how well I'll hold together in the process, but I'm determined to dtand by uit. For nicki. For me.

It really is for the best.

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