Uncensored
aug 10
jiggedy jig

Talked to Tim and Gina last night, told them about everything I mentioned in the last entry. Tim wants to go back to triad status. We're waiting on Gina. Tim was tired, kept slipping into old habits. "Is this helping?" he asked when he was cuddling me... I told him it helped a part of me but it hurt another part... reminded me of what I still can't have. "Do you want me to stop?" "No." I didn't want him to stop... despite the pain I htink the pleasure was winning... he apologized for the hurt though. He went to kiss my hand and started sucking on my fingers and I started to cry. He just held me after that but he had trouble keeping his hands from wandering. I just hope Gina agrees with us, because I don't know what I'd do without their affection but it's just too painful to be around them when I have to hold myself back. it's not fair to me and not fair to them, because they're holding themselves back as well.

So I feel kind of lost, but at least I've said my peace, and it's comforting to know that they missed me. It's just that as long as they love me (and I know better than to think they don't) my heart will belong to them because there will be hope of restarting the triad. If they were gone, there would be some finality and I could get on with my life, but they aren't, they're here and they love me. I simply don't want anyone else. And even if they were gone, my standards are so high now it would take another miracle like them to make me happy.

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