22 aug
thought rehersal

Since I've quit taken my meds, I've been able to analize myself a lot better than I ever could before. When I was on my meds, down periods were few and far between. I still had them, but they were nothing like I had before. And before I started on them, I had no basis of comparison. But now they're back and I can compare them to who I was before.

I'm glad I quit taken them. They were a mask for my emotions, and I dispise masks. It disgusts me to see people putting on a false face to the rest of the world, and I never did feel right about taking the medication because I was no better than they were. Except I was hiding from myself instead of from the rest of the world.

But I've learned a few things about my depression since I'm quit the meds. First off, my mind makes excuses for me to get down. The other day I caught myself starting to droop because I was depressed all the time. Yeah, that'll help things. Another big thing is I'm a bit paranoid. I find that I'm trying to find reasons for things to be wrong. And that's the big problem. It was Nicki's problem; it's one of the main reasons why I left her. Finding it in myself scares the shit out of me, but I'd much rather find it and therefore be able to attempt to control it than to not realize it and hurt everyone around me as a result.

Which brings me to the point. I know in my heart that you love me. When I'm with you, and I see and feel how you react to me, there is no question. But I'm starting to feel neglected. I'd hoped to spend time with you on Wednesday, and while I understand wanting to see Will's mom, and had planned all along to go home when you left, I was disappointed that you didn't even offer to have me go along. yes I would have declined (hospitals don't agree with me) but that's not the point. When's the last time you invited me over? Or to go to anything at all? I always ask if I can come over, not be invited. I respect and understand your need for time to yourselves, and try to leave you alone on the nights when you have to go to work the next day, but it feels like I'm the one making all of the contact. I don't expect a lot. I don't expect to be lavished in affection, but I'd like the occasional phone call so I won't feel like the receiving end of "out of sight, out of mind."

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