aug 24
and again

and here I;d thought I'd seen the last of it.

The entry on the 22nd was written then but posted tonight; at the time I had no particular desire to log in so I wrote it in SimpleText. (For those unaccustomed to Macintosh, that's the Mac version of Notepad. Personally, I like Notepad better. Actually, I like joe better, but that's something almost no one in the average online world has heard of, so I'll stick to Notepad for the comparison. The whole point is that it's a text editor.)

TRhe whole thing was a rehersal for what I was going to say to Tim and Gina. I actually got most of it out, which surprised me. But they had their reasons for treating me tat way,m and though they admit they should have talked to me sooner, having heard their reasons things make much more sense to me. So we've broken up again. I think we did get back together too soon, but Tim's lack of ability to keep things on a platonic level were literally breaking me. I could never know what to expect, and my status felt too uncertain. This time I felt more like the decision was made with me instead of against me, and though I asked to be given a second chance (since in the few days since they'd seen me I'd made enormous jumps in my feelings about myself; I think it was Wednesday night that I caught myself getting down for getting down [maybe I wrote about that in the entry on the 20th; I'll have to look] and since then I've felt much better. I finally caught my depression on a very low level. Maybe not the base yet, but I got down there and since then I've felt much better), I understood why they didn't, and in a way I'm glad. Don't get me wrong, I wholehartedly wish I could still be with them, but in their position I'd have done the same thing. Here's someone who has been on a constant downward slope, who says that she's changed in the three days since they saw her last, but they have nothing yet to base that on other than her word. I'm sure they believed that I thought I'd changed, but I know they wanted to see it for themselves before giving in. So though it was a disappointment, I was by no means surprised and quite understood their decision. My first words once it was reached, however, were to ask that Tim please refrain from that in-between affection this time. If I'm to be their friend, I need to be treated as one, and fortunately for me that includes hugs, but beyond that I get mixed signals and deep yearnings.

And today went as well as I expected after we talked, though I had also expected to still be with them (going in I hadn't known that they were already planning to break up with me though I suppose I should have, since it even occurred to me that the feelings I was have were the same as right before someone breaks up with me but hasn't quite figured out how yet), so I supposed instead it was as well as I'd hoped. What surprised me wasn't that I could handle the day, but the ease at which I did it. I had no ill feelings, no need to cry, and in fact I was naturally quite cheerful. Perhaps I had a few fleeting moments of sadness, but they were just that: fleeting. I was happy to be in their company, and they were happy that I'd changed just as I'd said. One day isn't enough to base a decision on (and I understand that as well), but if I can continue this then I think we'll be together again. It may be a while, and that's probably for the best, but I think it will happen. I really do. Unless I take another turn for the worse, which I hope with my deepest heart won't happen, and not just for them. Mostly for me. I don't htink I could handle another downturn myself. This whole thing leads me to think that I'm close to having the depression conquored, and not just covered as it was with the meds.

It occurs to me that one can tell when I've been reading a lot lately. I tend to write more grammatically and eloquently, because that's how the thoughts are being laid in my head. The current material is The Autobiography of Henry VIII which is not an autobiography but a novel, though it does read like one. I know much of it is historically accurate, but I don't know enough of the subject (though apparently it isn't as widely known as I'd thought, since Tim knew almost nothing about it, not even the fact that Henry had six wives) to know how much is fact and how much is fiction.

Of course now I'm back to the problem of picturing Tim and Gina in my mind's eye and being simotaneously aroused and saddened. I found a good solution tonight, though, and narcissistic as it may seem, bisexuality and a mirror next to one's bed do have their advantages. And I must say I do look quite good in a bodice, especially when worn alone.

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