Uncensored
oct 4
eternal frustration

I've been sentenced to eternal frustration.

So many mixed feelings, so much is bittersweet.

Right now I'm trying to decide which is worse: unrequieted love, or shared feelings that cannot be manifested. I've now had both. In a way, this is worse than when Keith left: the feelings are still there, we can all feel them in ourselves and each other, but nothing can come of them. Eternal frustration.

Gina isn't able to hold a relationship in addition to Tim right now. So it isn't going to work. I've had a feeling that she held the answer from the beginning. This time it's Over. And it feels like it was over before it began. I've spent so much time in limbo... I'm out now but I don't know what to do with myself. Move on, I guess; I can't linger on the impossible. But I know I won't be satisfied with anyone for a good, long while. This time I won't make the mistake of a four-year stretch of empty relationships; better to be single. I fear, though, that I will spend the rest of my life trying to find someone(s) even better than Tim and Gina... And I fear more settling for less.

In a way it would be easier if the love for me wasn't there. With Keith I cried for a month and thought abouthim constantly for six, but I knew it was over. He wasn't in love with me. I could accept that. It hurt, but I could accept it. This time I don't know what to make of things. Tim still loves me. So does Gina, though I think to a lesser degree, as my love is for her. She gave Tim & I her blessing to continue without her, but Tim doesn't want to disrespect her, and I'm not going to try to push him. So now Tim and I, at least this weekend, have this weird everything-but-sex thing going on. It comforts me to have his affection. To be cut off again would likely send me into some weird tailspin from which I'd never recover. He said to do what I need to, but what I need is them: if not as lovers, at least as friends.

I think worst of all, I saw this coming from the beginning yet chose to ignore it. Just too good to be true, I guess. I found a pair of people already in love who both love me as well. There had to be a downside. And we found it. And it's not one that can be worked around. At least not for a long while.

I've broken one pattern in favor for a larger cycle to begin again. I need to break that one too, or else I'll stagnate and die.

To top everything off, once I loaded the computer to type up this entry (on one of the few occasions I actually write things out in advance; it's still uncensored though), I found that all of my internet applications were gone. I have to use an inferior web browser and I need to re-download all of my other files before I can do anything like check my email. As if my other frustration wasn't enough, life had to throw this at me as well. When it rains, it pours.

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