feb 8

Two things. If I remember I'll get to them both.

I kept waking up this morning all sweaty and had to move to the other side of the bed to sleep some more and then the same thing would happen again maybe 30 minutes later. It wasn't from heat because when I tried just sleeping under the sheet it was too cold, and I'm not normally a sweaty person.

I guess now I know what it's like to wake up in a cold sweat.

I was having a rather nasty dream this morning that wouldn't rid itself from my headf until it was through, despite the many interruptions of me waking up and rolling over to the other side of the bed. It showed itself like a television documentary, not interactive or anything, and the subject matter is something I've never been able to ignore despite how disturbing it is for me.

It was about two women who were childhood friends and now ran a cat breeding farm together but the show had nothing to do with the cat farm at all. Not entirely sure if that meant anything at al or if it was just the setting. It was the subject matter of their words that was disturbing for me. They were talking about their abuse as children.

They had some sort of point system: 10 minutes earned them a chocolate bar or whatever. I don't rmemeber most of them. What bothered me even more is that when they were talking about one of the little point-earing things, a little text thing would pop up in the corner of the "screen" with the details, like:

Chocolate bar
10 minutes
and that just BOTHERED me. And the worst of it all was how it ended: on a positive note for the abusers. "Once they give us this. (gesturing towards an old-fashioned radio.) This was for 180 minutes. (screen pops up: Radio/180 minutes.) But at least sometimes they gave us something worthwhile."

The other thing. Why am I here?

This is something I've been asking myself today: why am I here writing this journal online? Well, I used to keep a paper journal for years and years but aside from a 2-year period of my life in the middle, i'd go 8 months without writing in it. The computer is far more accessable to me, since I work on them constantly, but I don't think I could handle just writing a journal on a local system and then saving it here. For one thing, I don't own my own computer. While this doesn't seem to be a problem at this point in time, since Jon is more than happy to share his with me, it HAS been a problem in the past, since I've moved about five times since I started this journal and left my files behind on each computer in the process. So storing important files anywhere BUT online hasn't proved to be a very good way for me to keep track of them.

And while i'm putting things online so I don't lose them, I might as well get a little practise in HTML, right? So here you have it. For the most part I write it just like I used to write my paper journal except I try to do it more often than I did the paper journal (I aim for at least 2-3 entries a month), though occasionally I'll actually consider that other people are reading.

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