18 dec
maybe never, ever pain

Tyson brought up a good point. I'm in a lot more pain than I let on.

Of course, it's not because I was hiding it from everyone. That's not it before. It's because I was hiding it from myself. I get better and better at that all the time. I don't mean to do it; I think it's just a self-defence mechanism. But today I realized that I was doing it.

I don't know how deep it goes; I've just begun to scratch the surface.

My first clue was that I wanted to go back to bed around 4 this afternoon. While this in itself isn't all that unusual, I'd already gone back to bed for a couple of hours once today. I wasn't especially tired but I had no desire to do anything but lie in bed all day long. Then I added the fact that my appetite has been lacking lately... frequently I'll feel hungry and then just not be able to eat, or I just won't be hungry at all.

Now that I think about it, both of those are symptoms of depression I've had in the past. But otherwise I don't usually feel too bad... except the crying fits which are still happening occasionally. Things that I would expect to bother me don't and things that shouldn't bother me do. I don't feel like doing anything at all. I know that I need to get myself out and have a good time to get over this... but I just don't want to. And it's not helping that I'm having trouble finding someone who wants to do something tonight. Four of the people I would normally call ar busy. Another hasn't been home. I feel like I'm doomed to an evening of staying at home and watching videos, providing I feel like even doing that much. This is not helping.

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