16 january
mental trash

I keep finding a lot of residue in my brain. Every time I think I'm at the bottom of it, I find another layer. It's good that I'm finally getting through to the bottom, but damn I'm finding a lot of junk on the way down. It's tedious work.

A lot of this is the mess with me and Jon. Okay, most of it is. I still love him. I don't feel we're finished. I don't have any concrete indicators of that, it's just a gut feeling. Then things get complicated. I need a distraction to be able to deal with him and Dannette together, but then I have to wonder if someone I start seeing will just be a distraction. I don't want to put anyone through that. It's not fair to anyone to be a distraction, especially mine. I tend to have a praying mantis approach to relationships (I bite my mate's head off when we're doing mating) and I realize it, and I don't like to put people through that pain. The fact that I still get along with Jon after seeing him for over a year says a lot for how I feel about him, especially since a year is what it usually takes for me to bite my mate's head off.

I've got a couple of women I'm interested in, but I think being single is what I need to sort things out. I've got so many internal conflicts right now it's not even marginally amusing. Single is good for me. I want a woman. I want to have fun with Jon. Half the time when I do I'm left emotionally unstable. I want to be friends with him and Dannette. Seeing them together depresses me. I need someone to take my mind off of Jon and Dannette. I don't want to put someone through one of my rebound relationships.

Enough of that, I need to figure this crap out on my own and putting it online isn't going to help, just make me dwell on it more. On to other things.

I spent a couple days home from work sick. I had a fever for the first time since I had strep throat in Jr. High. First time that I remember anyway... those years are all kind of blurry. I spent Thursday getting progressively worse, and then spent Friday getting progressively better. By the end of it I was going stir crazy. But I was able to get out of the house and walk around and even did laundry yesterday, so all is good. Spent a few hours with Becky and walked around downtown, and then spent some time with Jon and walked around downtown some more. Noticed my mom's machine wasn't responding so I went to Jon's house, found the problem (big duh on my part so let's just let that go), and fixed it. Stayed over there because he was going to take me to work in the morning and it would be silly for him to take me home, come back to his house, then go pick me up in the morning.

Dammit, I can't stay away from the subject of Jon.

Granted, he's still a big part of my life. Regardless of what happens in the end we're still friends. And I know he still cares about me, and likes me better than before this whole thing started. Living apart is good for us... but he's not even sure where he stands right now internally. So we'll see what happens.

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