27 january
listen to your heart

I seem to be entirely unable to make up my mind.

Jon and I came to the conclusion that we should date casually but I don't know if that's what I want right now, or if that's what's best for me. I can't shake the feeling that I'm just setting myself up to get hurt. It would probably be easier for me if his favorite subject wasn't how much he wants to find some girl and have good sex. Call me crazy, but I just don't think that talking about sexual conquests (and desired sexual conquests) with someone who still loves you is tactful.

So for now I'm just dealing with it... there is a lot inside of me telling me it's not worth it. But then there are other parts that can't stand the lonliness. He and Dannette aren't an issue anymore; that ended, but he still seems to think they might get back together in some capacity. Just everything else that's going on is fairly painful.

I'm surprising myself with how jealous I've been. I think maybe I'd be dealing with all of this better if I didn't keep having the feeling that he was just seeing me still until something better came along, but then it could be something that I'd be feeling anyway. I know he wouldn't be happy if I was dating men and telling him about all the guys that I wanted to ask out, or tell him if I go see someone... but I'm not interested in men and instead he's interested to the point of being nosy with my interests in women.

To complicate matters, my own libido hasn't been much of anything lately. I need to find the cause of that... very little will make me interested in sex. Even with jon it's more from the desire for closeness. I know I'm capable of being a sexual creature; it's just a matter of finding myself again.

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