30 january
they are watching

I keep going to see what the queue's like but there isn't one. :)

I've got myself to some really scary territory and I really need to watch myself and try my damndest not to fall back onto my safety nets. I've got one shot at this and one shot only. If I blow it this time, I won't have solved anything, I'll probably fall into depression again, and the next time I get this chance I probably won't be nearly as stong.

First step was to figure out what to do with Jon. Well he made that really easy for me at one point when he decided to go back to waiting for Dannette so he wasn't going to sleep with me. I don't want to deal with the indecision. So I decided I'm not going to. I'm not going to deal with getting hurt over and over as he changes his mind about how much he wants to do with me. It's over. I've accpeted it. I'm moving on.

I have two goals at this stage in my life. The primary is to find myself. I've never really been single in so long, except for a few weeks before I started seeing Jon. I don't feel like I have a full personality. There are parts of me that have been subduded to conform to boyfriends' wishes and never quite surfaced. I want to find those parts and make myself complete. There is a lot of fog in my head and it needs to be cleared. The only way to do that is if I'm single and not being influenced by whoever I'm seeing at the time. I don't succumb to peer pressure unless the peer is a significant other.

The second goal has a lot to do with my bisexuality. I've always been more physically attracted to woman than I am to me. However, in all my life I have never felt a strong emotional connection with a woman like I have with a few men. I don't know that this has to do with gender; most likely it's for the same reason why I have next to no friends, close or otherwise. I'm afraid of people, to an extent, and I tend towards anti-social. I don't get close to hardly anyone unless they've made quite a bit of effort to get through my shell. I've found that most people just interested in friendship simply don't make that effort, and I've also found that since women tend to be raised to be on the receiving end of suitors, we're not socially programmed to approach people. I know I sure as hell don't know how. So as a result I have had few female friends and even fewer female lovers. I am trying to expand my horizons and reach out to people... and then see if I am capable of that strong emotional bond.

I know the purpose of the second goal tends to defeat the purpose of the first, but I think that given how long the second will probably take, I could very well have finished the first by then. :) That's the one I'm really concerned with... the second is more of an experiment than something I need to accomplish.

Of course there are complications. There always are. But I think I can find my way around them... and even use them to my advantage.

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