nov 20
turning point

I'm in a minorly foul mood tonight.

I don't expect much from people... but I do expect them to have the common curtesy to call me when I plan to do something with thim (even if the something isn't determined yet) and then they go and do someint... something else. I at least deserve that much.

My heart feels like it was dragged over a cheese grater.

For this past week I've spent just about every free moment I've had with Jon. I went to his place after work, took him to work in the morning, then went home and caught a few more hours' sleep. Today comes along and he's going out car shopping with his mom and I tell him to page me tonight and maybe we can do something.

By the time 10:00 rolled around and I hadn't heard back I figured it was a little too late even for *us* to go out.

That compounded with the fact that he's only been idle since about 5pm rather than noon (when he left with his mom) makes it pretty plain that he came home, made other plans, and then left again, and didn't tell me at least that we wouldn't be doing anything.

So here I am on a Friday night (and incedentally one of my two nights a week that I'm not at work) at home writing in my journal instead of out somewhere having fun. And it's not like I might have ended up doing this anyway... I had other invitations but turned them down because I hadn't heard back from Jon yet.

Si we come to the subject of this entry.

I'm trying to decide whether this was the last straw. I don't mind him being out with Jen (and I knw he's out with her because I drove by and saw her car there), I just mind being left to wait for my pager to go off. And I mind feelling like I'm second best. I know that I'll never measure up to her in his mind, but she's done nothing but heurt him since I've known her and I've done nothing but be there for him... in more ways than one. Then without warning when she wants something -- to talk, to go out, whatever -- I'm left in the dust and completely ignored. I'm suddenly invisible. And it hurts.

I do have some good news tonight... Tim wrote and said it was wrong of him to exile me from the group because he couldn't handle the fact that I was dating again (no kidding) and that he thinks he could handle being around me again as long as I don't talk about my love life. This is do-able... I can keep quiet about that part of my life; it'll just be great to see them again... I really do miss them a lot.

Oh, and I still don't know what I'm going to do about jon... I guess I'll talk to him some tomorrow (I'll try to get online I guess) and give him the chance to apologize.. let him know how hurt I am tonight. I know he cares about me; hes just blinded... but I can't take the pain of being left in the wayside whenever jen wants his attention.

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