aug 4
cold hearted orb

Breathe deep, the gathering gloom
Watch lights fade from every room
Bedsetter people look back and lament
Another day's useless energy spent
Empassioned lovers wrestle as one
Lonely man cries for love and has none
Young mother picks up and suckles her son
Senior Citizens wish they were young
Cold-hearted orb that rules the night
Removes the colors from our site
Red is grey and yellow white
But we decide which is right
And which is an illusion?

That was the Moody Blues. I doubt I have the words exactly right but at least it's a close approximation.

Now I get to see if I remember everything that I thought of last night. It was too late and I was too naked to get out to the computer and write it all down.

I was reading The Mummy by Anne Rice. Ramses reminded me of Tim, with his inner stregnth and his internal and external beauty. Tim really is a very striking man. He says that it's the stregnth in his eyes, but I know that's not all of it. He has the high cheekbones that are evidence of his native american heritage, though otherwise is very norse in appearance. Every time I look at him I'm overcome by his beauty. I refrain from telling him, because I'd never though "beautiful" was ever a word to describe a man, but he is most definately it.

I wanted to finish the book last night but it started getting light outside so I thought I'd better get to bed. The rest wasn't as magical so it's just as well that I did finally put it down, but all in all it was definately one of Rice's better novels. I finished it tonight around 11.

The problem was in the scenes where Julie was caught up in Ramses' passion. Even earlier in the novel, before he confessed his love, it reminded me greatly of Tim. Probably because my reaction to tim was much the same as Julie's to Ramses: uncontrollable passion and love at first sight. Those scenes were strangely erotic to me, though nothing like that has never struck me quite that way before. I imagined Tim picking me up and making love to me, closing his arms around me, holding me. I was aroused to no end, and wanted to release some of the passion. Just having come off my period, my pubic hair was a bit matted with blood, so I took a quick 3am shower and then returned to bed and started to masturbate.

At the same time, I started to cry. I couldn't continue. I miss Tim and Gina so terribly. I just want to be with them again. It's not a longing for companionship, either; this much I can tell. All I can think about is how wonderful it felt to be a part of their marriage, and how wonderful it will be when we get back together. There's no "if" in my mind. They continuously remind me that they still love me and I know in my heart that it's true. I can feel it from them. I can feel it in them. And, most importantly, I can feel it in me.

All this on the second full day since they left for Alabama to visit Tim's family. No, relatives. His family is the one he's created for himself here. But I digress. The point is all this was on the second full day of their absence... and I have another week yet to endure. A week? How will I survive?

I've been single in the past. Single I can handle. But this is far worse. This is not just going hungry, but living next door to a bakery while doing it. The food is there, you can smell it, but you can't have any of it except the stuff they throw out after it's sat there a day. Okay, so not that vulgar but it's the same feeling. Tim says he's never done this before, never left someone he loves with the idea that someday we'll reunite. And I know Gina hasn't either. And he's said how hard it is for either of them to stay at arm's legnth. But what I don't think they realize is at least they have each other. When Tim and Gina want (or need) to be held, they each have the other there for them. They each have that outlet for their passions. I do not. I have them who I love and want to show affection towards, and no outlet for that affection.

What I've realized now is that I don't need to be single to be independant. That, and the fact that I'm not single, not in my heart. I was single when I was on the downward slope with Steve and just seeing Nicki. I was single then in my heart. Neither of them were worth my total devotion. But ever since I met Tim and Gina and started spending nearly all my time with them, I haven't considered others on my own. Yes, i've considered people I'd like to bring into the group, but I was thinking of things as part of a group. I wasn't considering anything for myself. I don't want to have a relationship outside of what I have with them. And I actually realized that last night. I'm not single, because my heart belongs to them.

This Kymm, whith whom I've been talking to in email, is a wonderful person, and enchanting mystery, and someone I'd love to spend time with. But she's not real to me, and even if she was, I know I wouldn't be more than friends with her unless she wanted Tim and Gina too and they wanted her. Trying to keep their lives separate from mine at this point is entirely futile. Their love has engulfed me, and I have no desire to leave.

I don't need to be single to be independant. I know this now. I've been single; I was single before I started to date Aaron. I enjoyed myself then. I liked being single. I wasn't longing for companionship the whole time like I had been before the string of relationships before Keith. And I'm not now, or wouldn't be even if I felt single. I can handle single. After Keith, I cried almost constantly for about a week and then a few more times but after about a month, I was fully ready to resume my life. Sure, I had dreams of us getting back together, and still do on occasion (well what do you expect? he was my first love), but I know in my heart and in my mind that things are over between us and he will never again be mine. This doesn't bother me; it was a clean break and he made things as kind as he could, given the circumstances. But this is different. This is more painful because I know they want me as much as I want them, but for some reason aren't allowing themselves that pleasure, and are denying me it as well. Okay, so I know the reason, and it's a noble one, but I no longer think it's valid. The idea was to let me grow as an individual, and I came to the realization last night that there presence wasn't hindering my growth as I thought. Yes, I need to be independant, but that doesn't require me to be single, only to rely only on myself. I can live without them, though it's painful. And once I have a job I can live without anyone else either. But the thing is I don't want to.

It was good for them to get me out of their place. Spending weeks at a time there was indeed a hinderance. But seeing them on a regular basis and even staying the night there with them on occasion isn't a problem at all. We don't have to break off the relationship to get me out on my own.

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